Friendship is Mercenaries
by conchshellthegeek7
Summary: The RED Soldier is transported against his will into an alternate dimension. In order to return home, he's going to need the help of a curious cast of seven...
1. It Begins

Walking through battlefields in times of peace may not seem like the kind of thing a mercenary would do. But the RED Soldier found it to be rather diverting. Sure, he was a complete psychopath on the battlefield, but a mercenary's life can't always be war. RED and BLU only fought around three times a week these days, which left the disputed areas pretty much deserted.

This is how the RED Soldier found himself walking through Nucleus one cool, crisp desert evening. He wasn't paying attention to where he was going—he was just putting one foot in front of the other and seeing where it took him, focusing more on thinking. This had only resulted in him falling into the stomach-clenchingly, for-all-intents-and-purposes bottomless pit that surrounded Nucleus's central control point three times tonight. Not bad by his standards. As usual, he was spending his off-time thinking about his arsenal.

"…on the other hand, I got the shit kicked out of me at Barnblitz today," he was thinking. "If the BLU Heavy is going to keep using the Brass Beast, I'm going to need the self-healing. But then I might run out of ammo at a critical moment. Well, I'll try it and see how it goes. Now, secondaries… Do I bring the Reserve Shooter and go for the flashier kills? No, I've been kind of off my game recently. I could use the Concheror, I guess, but then I've got to worry about—" Suddenly, a huge metallic clanking noise sounded off around him, and the Soldier was immersed in darkness. Instinctively, the Soldier drew his trusty rocket launcher, ready to stand off any attackers. It wasn't until a few seconds later that he realized he was blind, and therefore wouldn't be fighting anyone.

"So, you've decided to show yourself at last, have you?" said a disembodied voice from somewhere behind the Soldier. Relying on instinct, the Soldier whirled around and fired. From the light given off by the explosion, he could see that he was standing on the central control point, and the device that prevented the forces of RED and BLU from capturing the point early had been closed around the point. The rocket exploded harmlessly against the bulletproof, flameproof, explosion-resistant, and generally invincible metal jaws. The Soldier heard the voice from earlier laugh softly.

"Struggle all you want, but you won't escape now."

"Who in the hell are you?" said the Soldier, feeling his way to the wall that the voice was coming from.

"I'm one of the people that WORK here."

"Huh? One of the what?"

"Exactly. You have no idea who I am. You didn't even know people worked here, did you?" The disembodied voice was steadily growing angrier. "Well, it's not all that important. We're just some of the most brilliant scientific minds in the nation trying to develop a superweapon that could alter the course of warfare forever. Why would anyone care about that?"

"Okay, there's no need to get sarcastic, lab monkey," said the Soldier, adjusting his Tyrant's Helm. "Just let me off this control point, and we'll talk about…whatever it is you're mad at me for."

"You know," the scientist said, not acknowledging the Soldier at all, "the funding from your employers and BLU are really the only way our operation can stay afloat. It's pretty straightforward, really. They give us insane amounts of money, and in exchange we let them make a few "alterations" to our facility. Control point here, Mann Co. Resupply lockers here, a few corresponding paint jobs and bang! More money than you could ever possibly need to finish your ultra-mega-death thing. Sure. But THEN you mercenaries had to show up, didn't you?"

"Okay, calm down there, doc. I—"

"You mercenaries show up and begin fighting battles in our top-secret military research facility! On a regular goddamn basis!"

"Well, it was in the contract with RED and BLU, wasn't it?"

"No, it wasn't in the contract! And we would've pulled out months ago, but the only reason we're still alive is the money RED and BLU are sending us! We barely have time to test the device anymore! We can only clean the scorch marks and bloodstains off the floor, sweep up all the spent cartridges, toss all the corpses into the pit, and then it's time for the next battle!"

"You toss our corpses into the pit when the battles are over?"

"Of course we do! Why do you think the pit's even there?"

"…Ah. That makes…so much sense."

"Well, you know what, Soldier? I've had enough of your explosive tomfoolery. You will not fight any more battles in the Nucleus."

"…Um, talk all you want, doc," the Soldier said, scratching his head underneath his helmet, "but what exactly was your plan? Trap me inside the control point until the next battle starts? That just gives my team an advantage. Starve me to death? If I die, I respawn wherever the next battle takes place. Keep me in here, giving me just enough food and water to keep me alive? Well, then my team will come looking for me, and they'll kick your pasty white ass back to Harvard." The scientist laughed again.

"Oh, no, Soldier. Today, you're going to help us. You're going to further the cause of science. You're going to help us answer the question, 'Can a stable cross-dimensional rift transmit organic matter?'" With that, the Soldier heard footsteps walking briskly away. The Soldier simply stood motionless, stunned.

"…Well…shit," he said. Suddenly, a loud series of otherworldly hums began to emanate from above the control point.

"Final sequence," came the scientist's voice from over the PA system. The Soldier squeezed his eyes shut, preparing for the incoming wrath of science…

* * *

><p>The RED Soldier's eyes shot open, and he bolted upright in shock. He had just woken from what had seemed to be a horrible nightmare. Relieved, he leaned over and covered his eyes with his hands.<p>

"Whew…just a bad dream," he thought. He remained sitting there for a moment, simply letting the relief wash over him. Then a thought occurred to him.

"Wait…if I'd just woken up from a dream, I'd be lying in bed back at the base." He uncovered his face and looked up quickly. "I couldn't see a few seconds ago…and I _definitely_ wasn't in the middle of a forest." The Soldier stood up. Near as he could tell, it was nighttime, and there didn't seem to be any signs of human presence in the general area. The Soldier quickly came to the conclusion that he was lost.

"Well, that's just great," he thought to himself. He sighed, adjusted his helm on his head, and did the only thing he could do: started walking.

* * *

><p>After a few hours of walking, with the night showing no signs of stopping, the Soldier wasn't expecting anything different. Suddenly, his foot caught on something. He lost his balance, and tumbled face-first to the ground, despite valiantly flailing his arms in an effort to regain it. His helmet tumbled off his head and rolled off into the woods. The Soldier scrambled to his feet, panicking. He charged off after the hat, and quickly picked it up again. Relieved, he let out a huge sigh.<p>

"Don't you ever do that again," he murmured, cradling the helmet in his arms like a baby. Suddenly, he noticed an odd indentation in the ground. He bent down to investigate the strange marking.

"…Is this…a footprint?" he thought to himself. He put his helmet back on his head as he bent down further still, close enough to lick the strange print.

"…No, it can't be a footprint," he concluded, "it's too large for that." He was right there—although the print appeared to have been left by a shoe of some kind, it would have had to have been left by a creature easily ten feet tall. Ten feet tall and very, very heavy. The Soldier got to his feet slowly.

"Well, it doesn't matter," the Soldier thought, straightening his helmet on his head. "The tracks of the giant man are going that way…I'm going this way." True to his word, the Soldier quickly took off in the opposite direction of the tracks. No more thought was given to the tracks that night.

* * *

><p>It was now about an hour later. The Soldier hadn't seen any signs of civilization. That was, of course, his goal—find some civilized people who could tell him how to get back to Mann's Land. Perhaps wandering aimlessly hadn't been the best way to go about doing that, but the Soldier didn't have any better ideas. But maybe it had produced results this time. Ahead of him, the Soldier spotted a clearing. The Soldier quickened his pace, and within moments, he'd entered the clearing. He was greeted with a decidedly odd sight.<p>

In the center of the clearing was a gnarled old tree. Someone had tied several bottles of brightly-colored liquid to its branches, and attached what looked like ornamental tribal masks to it. Strangest of all, someone had carved a door into the front of the tree.

"Well, this is…arguably civilized," he thought. "Do I stop here and see if someone's hollowed the tree out?" he thought to himself. "…No…if anyone did live here, somehow, I don't think they'd know how to reach Mann's Land." The Soldier examined the clearing. He noticed a well-worn path leading off further into the forest.

"Well, that's more like it!" thought the Soldier, smiling inwardly. "If I follow this path, I might find some more…definitive civilization." Having thought this, he continued further into the forest, leaving the curious tree behind him.

* * *

><p>After a few more hours of walking, the Soldier finally reached the edge of the forest.<p>

"Finally…" he thought to himself, panting heavily. "I haven't done that much walking since the first time I got lost in Steel." Off in the distance, the Soldier spotted what looked to be a town.

"Oh, thank God. Civilization at last." The Soldier took off walking once more, heading towards the distant town. "If I ever see another forest in my life, it'll be too soon. But oh well. No one's going to be awake at this time of night. Once I get into town, I'll need to find a place to sleep. I'll wait until morning to find my way back home."

* * *

><p>Unsurprisingly, when the Soldier reached the town, it was empty. No one was outside. After looking around for a few minutes, the Soldier was able to find a building with a basement window. The building itself was quite the eccentric one—a three-story building decorated to resemble some kind of giant pastry, complete with a gingerbread roof. The Soldier paid no heed to this, however—it was the basement he was concerned with. He quickly pried the window open and forced his way into the basement. Once inside, he looked around the room briefly. The room was filled with hundreds of wooden crates.<p>

"Oh, God, no, no, no, please God NO!" the Soldier screamed internally. "…Wait a minute, they're unlocked." He let out a large sigh of relief.

"That was too close," he said aloud. The Soldier looked around the room a bit more closely. Upon closer inspection, the Soldier noticed that the crates were all labeled with pink ink. From what the Soldier could tell, they all contained food—sugar, eggs, apples, and so forth. Having recovered from the shock of what he thought he'd found, he pulled one of the nearby crates over to the wall where he'd entered. He climbed on top of it and closed the window he'd climbed in through. Having done this, he pushed the crate back over to the pile he'd gotten it from. He lay down, leaned against the pile, and shut his eyes. After walking through a dark forest for hours, it was easy for him to fall asleep.

* * *

><p>What seemed like moments later, the Soldier opened his eyes again. Morning had arrived, and the sounds of a chattering crowd flowed down through the window into the basement. The Soldier could also hear the sounds of hundreds upon hundreds of hoofbeats. The Soldier got to his feet and stretched out his arms.<p>

"Okay," he thought to himself, stifling a yawn, "there's clearly animals everywhere. Probably some kinda livestock—horses, cows, oxen. Livestock roaming freely in the town square usually means a European country, or a country that still uses the horse-drawn carriage. That or I've been sent into the past again…" The Soldier shuddered. "Well, let's just have a look…" The Soldier grabbed the crate he'd been leaning against and pulled it back over to the window. He quickly climbed on top of it and looked out the window. He simply stared blankly.

"…Why are there…horses everywhere…?"


	2. Technicolor Horses

"There are horses…strange Technicolor horses everywhere," the RED Soldier thought to himself. "I don't see any people around here…but I can hear them talking." The RED Soldier craned his neck upwards, desperately trying to get a better view of the street through the basement window he was staring through.

"Are people…riding the horses…? …No, I don't see any saddles, and I don't see any peoples' legs." Thoroughly confused, the Soldier hopped off the crate he was standing on. "Why can't I see any people? Where is everyone and why are the horses walking free? For that matter, why are the horses so brightly colored? What in the world is going on here…?" The Soldier adjusted his Tyrant's Helm, trying to make sense of the situation. Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by an all-too familiar gurgling.

"…Right…I haven't eaten today," he thought to himself. "Well…may as well see if there's any soup in these crates." He quickly turned around to see the crate behind him. It bore a handwritten label in bright pink ink: "BAKING CHOCOLATE."

"Chocolate?" The Soldier smiled fondly. "We haven't had chocolate in the base for ages. Not since Mann Co. started shipping us those disgusting fish cakes instead." The Soldier rubbed his hands together eagerly. He knelt down onto one knee, and attempted to pry the lid off of the crate. Surprisingly, the lid came off almost instantly. The Soldier tossed the lid aside, revealing a large amount of baking chocolate in the crate. Gingerly, the Soldier removed a few squares of chocolate from the crate.

"Screw living healthy! I'm getting killed for a living!" he thought. Smiling broadly, he popped the chocolate into his mouth. He chewed it thoroughly, trying to savor the delicacy he'd stumbled across. Within moments, he quickly realized that baking chocolate wasn't supposed to be eaten raw. He swallowed quickly and began breathing heavily, trying to blow the bitter taste off his tongue.

"Okay…" he thought. "Note to self, get Mann Co. to ship Dalokohs Bars again." Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening behind him.

"Oh, crockets," he thought. He quickly dove behind a nearby row of crates. After observing his surroundings, he noticed an open, empty crate with a lid leaning against it. Drawing on years of experience hiding from victorious enemies during Humiliation, he crawled into the crate and pulled the lid over the top. He hardly dared to breathe. He knew that in these kinds of situations, the slightest motion or sound could mean his life…

…which was why he was so surprised to hear a teenage girl's voice singing. Granted, she wasn't singing any particular song—just a series of la's, really—but it was singing nonetheless. She had a high-pitched voice that lent itself very well to singing. With a great deal of effort, the Soldier twisted around in the tiny crate and peered out through a knothole in one of the boards. What he saw horrified him beyond belief.

"Oh, shit! My hat!" he thought to himself. Indeed, his Tyrant's Helm had fallen off his head during his dive for shelter, and was lying discarded by the opened box of baking chocolate. With a start, he realized that the girl had stopped singing. He then saw a sight that confused him even further. A bright pink pony with a curly, hot pink mane, disproportionately large blue eyes and a tiny wooden box on its back was walking through the basement, approaching the box of baking chocolate.

"That's…one of those horses from outside," the Soldier thought to himself. The pony briskly trotted up to the open crate. After staring at the open crate for a moment, the pony turned around to face the basement at large. And then the pony did something that the Soldier had no way of being able to predict: it spoke.

"Is somepony in here?" she said, speaking in the voice of the young girl from earlier. Inside the crate, the Soldier's eyes nearly broke from widening in surprise.

"HOLY SHIT, A TALKING HORSE," is the closest approximation to what the Soldier was thinking at the moment. Once the shock cleared, the Soldier stopped to think.

"Wait…there were as many horses outside as there would be people in a normal town…I could hear people talking, but I couldn't see any…cross-dimensional rift…" The Soldier suddenly realized what was going on. "…Oh, my God," he thought to himself, "I'm trapped in an alternate universe inhabited by talking horses." He hesitated for a moment, then shook his head.

"No, no, that's impossible. I don't care what those scientists did to me; you can't put humans in another dimension. Maybe I've finally snapped…?"

"Ooooh, what's this?" chirped the pony, snapping the Soldier out of his reverie. The Soldier peered back through the knothole. He saw that the pony was somehow holding his Tyrant's Helm in her hoof (despite the disadvantage of not having fingers). She stared at the hat for a moment. Then she placed it on her head. The hat was a few sizes too large for her, and covered up her eyes like it covered up the Soldier's. The odd pony giggled, turned around, and pranced off in the direction she had come. After a moment, the Soldier heard the sound of a door opening and closing.

* * *

><p>The instant he heard the door close, the Soldier punched the lid of the crate he was hiding in, sending it flying into the air.<p>

"That goddamn pony stole my hat!" he said aloud, leaping out of the crate. Behind him, the crate lid hit the ground with a loud _clank_. After a moment, the Soldier regained his senses.

"Wait…this is a pantry," he thought to himself. "Whoever that pony was, if she lives in this building, she'll come back. And even if she doesn't live here, then _some_ pony will show up here sooner or later. So if someone will be coming back…" The Soldier smirked evilly. "Alright…I've got a plan." The Soldier walked over to the opposite end of the basement. A rickety flight of stairs led up to a bright pink door, and there was a large pile of crates beside the door. The Soldier nodded. He knelt down behind the crates, most of which were labeled "cupcakes". He drew his shotgun out of his Spytech-patented Hammerspace inventory, cocked it, and crept up to the side of the crates.

"Heeeeeere, horsie, horsie, horsie…" he crooned in a menacing singsong voice.

* * *

><p>By the Soldier's reckoning, about half an hour had passed. No one had entered the pantry yet, and the Soldier had grown tired of standing at attention. He was, in fact, sitting down, leaning against the crate. Suddenly, he heard the sound of the door opening. Quickly, he snapped back to attention. He didn't want to peek around the crates for risk of being spotted, but he did hear voices.<p>

"And you're sure there's somepony in here?" said a teenage girl's voice. It wasn't the same voice as the one who had stolen the Soldier's hat—it was less squeaky, and seemed to convey a bit more maturity.

"Yes, Twilight!" came the voice of the pony who'd stolen Soldier's hat from behind the crates. "Somepony got into the baking chocolate, and I found some kind of hat down here!" The Soldier risked a peek around the crates. The pink pony from before was back, and she was accompanied by a different pony. This one had a light purple coat and purple eyes. Her mane was a much darker purple with a pink highlight, and was worn straight. The Soldier also noticed that she had a purple horn on her forehead.

"Great, now there are unicorns, too," the Soldier thought to himself. "Well, I guess the alternate universe is allowed to have unicorns if they want to." He waited for the two horses to pass him—first the unicorn, then the pink pony—then slowly and silently crept out from behind the crates. He walked slowly so as to make as little noise as possible, and kept as low to the ground as he could without actually crawling.

"Pinkie, are you sure it's a good idea to just confront whoever's hiding in here?" the unicorn said, audibly nervous.

"Oh, come on, Twilight, it'll be fine!" replied the pink pony cheerfully. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"This." Before either pony had time to react, the Soldier raised himself up to his full height, lifted his leg, and brought his foot down on the pink pony's back. The pony's legs gave out beneath her, and she cried out in pain as she fell to the ground. The unicorn just barely had time to whirl around before the Soldier cocked his shotgun once more, just to be sure, and pointed it at the unicorn.

"PINKIE!" screamed the unicorn, horrified.

"MOVE AND SHE DIES!" bellowed the Soldier. Silence reigned in the darkened basement.

"Alright, girls, listen up," said the Soldier after a brief pause. "I'm in control here, and if you both want to get out of this unharmed, you'll follow my instructions exactly. Got it?"

"Y-yes…" stammered the unicorn, very clearly terrified.

"Yep!" chirped the pink pony (Pinkie, as she apparently called herself), very clearly not scared at all. The Soldier disregarded his hostage's lack of respect for him.

"So. Unicorn. Miss…Twilight, was it?"

"Yes…Twilight Sparkle," the unicorn replied.

"Alright, then, Twilight. Here's how this is gonna go down. I'm a little lost right now. I need you to tell me where I am."

"Well, you're in the basement of the Cakes family's bakery, silly!" said Pinkie, twisting her neck around to look at the Soldier.

"I'm talking to Twilight right now," growled the Soldier, looking down to meet his hostage's gaze. "You stay out of this." Having said that, he looked back up at Twilight. "I need something less specific."

"…Um…you're in Ponyville?" said Twilight, still clearly nervous.

"Well, I would never have guessed that," said the Soldier, rolling his eyes. "Less specific."

"You're in the land of Equestria…" The Soldier furrowed his brow in thought.

"Okay, that's fair enough. Now, I'm not from Equestria. I'm from a far-off land called 'Mann's Land.' Now, say I was to travel from Equestria to Mann's Land. How would I go about doing that?"

"I…don't know…" said Twilight. The Soldier cocked his shotgun yet again, purely for dramatic effect, and pointed it down at the back of Pinkie's head.

"Are you sure about that?" he asked, glaring menacingly at Twilight.

"Wait! Don't!" cried Twilight. "I don't know, but I could find out!"

"Oh, really, now?" the Soldier said, still glaring.

"Yes. Ponyville has a library. I could go there and figure out how to get to Mann's Land."

"Okay. That might be acceptable. Of course, I have to ensure you're going to come back… Here's how it's going to work. I'll give you three hours to find the location of Mann's Land."

"Okay…is that it?" Twilight asked.

"No. When your friend, Pinkie here, came down into the basement earlier today, she ended up stealing my hat."

"Oh, that was yours?" said Pinkie.

"Shut it! I'm talking to Twilight!" barked the Soldier. He sighed softly, then continued. "Anyway. My hat was a bronze helmet. There was a metal band around the brim, and another band dividing the hat into two sections. These sections were painted red. There is also a single white horn on each of these sections, but the left horn has been broken in half. Pinkie, you can talk now. What did you do with my hat?"

"I gave it to Rarity," said Pinkie, giggling to herself.

"Okay. Twilight, do you know this Rarity?"

"Yeah, she's a friend of mine."

"Good. While you're out, I want you to stop by Rarity's place and get my hat back. I'll give you one hour to do that. So, in total, you've got a leisurely four hours to do what I've asked of you."

"Um, great! I'll just be going, then…" Twilight stepped to the side, intending to head towards the door.

"Hang on there, missy, I'm not done yet!" The Soldier smirked. This was his favorite part of taking hostages. "If you don't come back here in four hours, then Pinkie here dies. If you don't come alone, Pinkie and whoever you brought with you will die. If you come back and you don't know where Mann's Land is, and you don't have a damn good explanation for why you don't know, then Pinkie dies. And if you come back without my hat, Pinkie dies AND you die too. Got all that?"

"Yes, sir…" said Twilight nervously.

"Good. Off you go, then. Your four hours starts…" The Soldier looked down at his wrist. Luckily for him, he'd decided to wear his watch today. He adjusted the cuff of his sleeve so he could look at it better. The clock read 1132 hours. "…Now!" Twilight charged off towards the staircase. The Soldier didn't bother to look behind him. He heard the door open and shut.

"Okay, then, Pinkie. Looks like there's nothing for us to do but wait."


	3. Worst Hostage Ever

Rarity was very satisfied. She had recently learned another way to enhance the beauty of an outfit using magic, and she had just successfully tested it. Humming softly to herself, she trotted over to where her latest dress was being modeled on a mannequin. Having successfully tested the spell, she decided to try it on the dress. She shut her eyes and began to concentrate. Her snow white horn began to glow, and a light humming filled the room…

Suddenly, a huge bang sounded off throughout the room. Rarity leapt into the air and gasped in shock. Her eyes shot open, and her concentration was shattered.

"Rarity! I need to talk to you!" came the panicked voice of Twilight Sparkle from the doorway. Rarity turned to look, and sure enough, Twilight was standing in the doorway, panting heavily.

"Good heavens, Twilight, you scared me!" said Rarity, swishing her long, purple tail from side to side.

"Sorry, but this is really important!" said Twilight.

"Fine, then, Twilight. I'm kind of in the middle of something, though, so please be quick."

"I need the hat Pinkie Pie gave you this morning, and I need it right now!" Rarity simply stared blankly back, more than a little confused.

"That ugly old thing? Darling, even if it wasn't ludicrously heavy, broken, and several sizes too large for you, it would look ghastly on you! Red isn't your color at all!"

"I don't have time to explain, I just need the hat!" Rarity hesitated for a moment, then sighed.

"Well, if you insist, Twilight." Rarity turned to her shelf of dress-making supplies, scanning it for the helmet. "I was testing some magic on it earlier today. That's not going to be a problem, right?" Twilight appeared confused.

"What…kind of magic?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing too fancy," said Rarity, telekinetically lifting a roll of green cloth from its slot on the shelf. "I just learned a spell that would make even the most boring outfit a bit more entertaining to look at, and I needed something very ugly to test it on. Ah-ha, here we are!" The hat floated away from the shelf, supported by Rarity's telekinesis. "I think this technique is quite the promising one, don't you?"

"It…um…" Inwardly, Twilight was horrified. Somehow, Rarity had made a tiny rainbow appear over the hat. It did make the hat look better, Twilight admitted to herself, but the monster that had taken Pinkie Pie hostage might not agree. He didn't seem to be the rainbow type.

"What is it, Twilight? Do you…not like it?" said Rarity, concerned.

"No, no, Rarity, it looks great!" said Twilight, taking hold of the hat with her own telekinesis. "Well, um, thanks, Rarity! That was all I needed, so I'll be going now." With that, Twilight turned around and bolted out the door without bothering to close it behind her. Rarity stared after her, confused.

"Dear me…I've never seen Twilight look that scared before," Rarity thought. "What could possibly have been so important?" Rarity turned back to her dress. She sighed deeply. Her new spell could wait a few hours.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, back in the basement, the Soldier was still pointing his shotgun at the back of Pinkie Pie's head. He checked his watch again. 1145 hours. Twilight had been gone for 13 minutes now, and Pinkie had spent most of that time talking. It was going to be a long four hours.<p>

"…and then I realized I'd accidentally put in sugar instead of salt," she was saying, still showing absolutely no signs of fear, "but I decided to bake them anyway just to see how it turned out, and—"

"ENOUGH!" bellowed the Soldier. "I can't take any more of your yapping!"

"…Well, gee, that was rude," said Pinkie Pie, rolling her eyes.

"Alright, fine. You know what, Pinkie? I'm going to make you a deal."

"Ooh, goody! What's it going to be?"

"I will take my foot off your back and allow you to walk freely around the basement for the next half hour."

"Oh, of course!" said Pinkie, grinning broadly.

"IF…" continued the Soldier, "…and ONLY if you promise not to tell me any more stories about baking during that time."

"Awwwww…" said Pinkie, the smile vanishing off her face in an instant. "…Fine."

"Great. Oh, and it should be obvious, but don't try to run for the door. Try to leave this room, and I'll have no choice but to pump you full of lead." With that, the Soldier lifted his foot off of Pinkie's back. Pinkie leapt to her feet almost instantly.

"Yippee!" Pinkie promptly began hopping around the room merrily. The Soldier kept his eye on her, making sure she didn't try to run. Instead, she bounced around the room, weaving gracefully through the sea of crates. After a few moments, she returned to the Soldier.

"We were never really introduced, were we?" she said, lifting her front-right hoof to the Soldier. "I'm Pinkie Pie. It's nice to meet you!" The Soldier appeared confused for a moment, then extended his right hand.

"I'm the RED Soldier," he said, taking Pinkie Pie's hoof in his hand. Suddenly, he felt a painful jolt all through his body. He squeezed his eyes shut instinctively, and his shotgun fell from his hand. Just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. Pinkie Pie stood in front of the Soldier, giggling loudly.

"Was that the best you could do to fight me off?" said the Soldier, glaring at Pinkie Pie. "That was pathetic! You are speaking to a man who has been electrocuted hundreds of times! I barely even felt that, and you thought it was going to kill me?" Pinkie Pie suddenly stopped laughing, horrified.

"KILL you? Why would I want to kill you?"

"Maybe because I've taken you hostage at gunpoint in your own basement?"

"No, no, no, silly!" Pinkie Pie showed the Soldier her hoof. Upon closer inspection, the Soldier noticed a bracelet with a small buzzer attached to it wrapped around her hoof. "It's just the old hoofshake buzzer routine!" The Soldier said nothing, and simply stared confusedly at Pinkie Pie.

"Why in the world would you think I wanted to kill you?" The Soldier looked down and sighed.

"Well, when you get killed for a living, you tend to get a little paranoid," he said, picking his shotgun back up off the floor. Pinkie furrowed her brow, clearly confused.

"You…get killed for a living?" she asked.

"Basically, yeah," the Soldier replied.

"That's weird! How does that work?" The Soldier sighed to himself.

"Well, it's pretty complicated, but…"

* * *

><p>"It's all a lot of technobabble to me," the Soldier concluded, "but I don't really care how it works. So long as it works, I'm fine with it."<p>

"That's…that's horrible!" said Pinkie Pie, disgusted. "What kind of monster would want to kill his own kind for a living?"

"Well, it's not like they're really dead," replied the Soldier. "They're set up to respawn, too, so once I…or anyone on my team for that matter, kills them, they're dead for a few seconds, then hey presto, they wake up back in their own saferooms."

"Well…b-but still!" she said, still horrified. "Just because they don't stay dead doesn't mean you're not killing them! It's horrible!"

"It's a war! What were you expecting?"

"I know…but that doesn't make it any less horrible!" The Soldier sighed deeply.

"You know, Jonas Salk shared your opinion," he said.

"Who?" The Soldier sighed deeply again.

"Take a seat," he said, "and I'll tell you."


	4. Mecha Hitler

The door of the library burst open, and Twilight Sparkle charged in. Without wasting any time, she began pulling books off of the shelves, flipping through them quickly, and tossing them behind her.

"Twilight? What are you doing?" said a familiar voice behind her. Twilight didn't even need to turn around to know who it was. It was Spike the baby dragon, her childhood friend and assistant.

"Spike, good! I need you to help me with this!" Twilight said, continuing to rifle through the books. "Go through these books and locate any reference you can to Mann's Land!"

"Mann's Land? What in the world are you talking about?"

"I don't have time to explain! Just help me!" Spike hesitated for a moment. Twilight was clearly in one of her moods again. Nothing would stop her until she found whatever it was she wanted. Spike decided to go along with it.

"…Alright," he said. He walked over to the opposite bookshelf to the one Twilight was systematically demolishing, and began looking through the books.

* * *

><p>"You know, Pinkie, I never said war wasn't horrible," the Soldier began, sitting down on a nearby crate of lemons. "Jonas Salk knew about the horrors of war. He was one of the most brilliant men of the twentieth century. He invented the polio vaccine, sure, but he's also the man we have to thank for about 70 more uses for the peanut, several pet custody laws, money, and respawning. He was a brilliant man, but he also happened to be Jewish. And back in the '30s, that was a serious problem.<p>

"You see, back in the '30s, the nation of Germany was ruled over by a very powerful man. This man's name was Adolf Hitler. Hitler's reign seemed like it was gonna go pretty well at first. Unfortunately, then he was involved in a horrible assassination attempt. He was having a meeting with some of the highest government officials in Germany. At the last second, however, this meeting was moved to an underground bunker. The meeting was going pretty well, and a lot of things were getting done. Then a bomb went off.

"Hitler, along with the rest of the government officials, was the victim of an assassination attempt carried out by a violent sect of anarchistic Jewish extremists. Every single man in that room died…except for Hitler. Some people think if the meeting had taken place in the aboveground room it was originally scheduled for, Hitler would've died as well. But the fact of the matter is Hitler survived that blast…but just barely.

"The blast injured both of his legs, completely shattered his right arm, and destroyed one of his balls, among other things. When the medics came to the scene, he was barely alive. They took him back to the hospital as fast as they could. They swore they would save Hitler's life by any means necessary.

"In order to save him, the doctors had to hook him up to all kinds of machines. Over half of Hitler's body was metal after the operation. He became the world's first cyborg…Mecha-Hitler. Hitler was horrified by what the doctors had done to him. But he was equally horrified with why they'd had to do it.

"Something snapped in Hitler's brain that day. In his mind, Jews had just become the most evil bastards on the face of the Earth. He vowed that day that he would get revenge for what the Jews had done to him and to Germany. And this…this is where it gets messy.

"Hitler started rounding up Jews from all across Germany and stickin' 'em in concentration camps. Once a Jew was sent to a concentration camp, basically, they were dead. They were either killed right then, or tortured then killed, or used as guinea pigs in science experiments. And if the Jews survived the experiments, guess what—they were killed too.

"This was the beginning of Hitler's reign of terror, known across the world today as the Holocaust." The Soldier stopped here, taking a moment to observe his audience. The look on Pinkie's face was one of absolute horror. Tears were welling up in her eyes, and somehow, the Soldier had scared her hair into straightening. In that instant, the Soldier was filled with an emotion he hadn't felt in a long time: pity.

"…I'm scaring you. I'm sorry. I could stop here if you want," he said.

"No," said Pinkie, with a lot less cheer in her voice than there had been before. "I want you to keep going." The Soldier paused for a moment, then sighed.

"Okay," he said. "Well, Germany kept on being the slaughterhouse of Europe for a few years. Then Hitler made a mistake. He captured a young Russian immigrant named Jonas Salk. Salk wasn't Jewish himself, but his parents were, and to Hitler, that was close enough. Salk was taken to a special concentration camp…Hitler's own. Hitler oversaw the operation of this camp personally, and it was spitting distance away from the capitol building of Germany. He kept Salk alive for three days, and in those three days, Salk saw more horrifying sights than most men see in their entire lives. Then Hitler made the biggest mistake of his life.

"Instead of killing Salk, they used him to test Germany's fledgling attempt at building a long-distance teleporter that didn't need an exit. But somehow, instead of sending him to the intended destination, he was teleported to the British Isles. He wound up right in the middle of the House of Parliament while they were having a meeting of their own.

"Up until this point, no one outside of Germany had any idea the Holocaust was going on. But when Salk showed up in the House of Parliament, Britain got what you could call a rude awakening. It was there that Salk met his lifelong friend, Winston Churchill. The two of them were able to convince Britain that the only way to end the Holocaust and Hitler's reign of terror was direct intervention…war.

"When Hitler realized he'd been found out, and that Britain was declaring war on Germany, he had no choice but to respond in kind. He declared war on pretty much the entire world, and soon enough everyone was taking sides. This was the beginning of World War II, the bloodiest war in human history. And that has a history all its own. I could go into that, but it's not important. This story is about Jonas Salk. Dr. Salk had seen enough horrors in Germany to drive ten men insane. He knew that war was the only way to stop Hitler, but to his mind, war was just as horrible as the Holocaust, if not worse. Either way, innocent people were dying left and right. Salk teamed up with some of the most powerful scientific minds in the world to find a way to end the horrors of war. Soon, with their combined efforts, they invented respawning.

"Soldiers not staying dead on the battlefield made all the difference. Soon enough, the battles began turning conclusively in favor of Britain and the Allied forces. Finally, after years of war, Hitler was brought to justice. World War II finally ended.

"It was too late to stop the Holocaust. Millions of Jews had already been slaughtered. There was nothing that could have been done about that. But respawning had been invented. That was the best thing to come out of World War II—in fact, pretty much the only good thing. And since World War II, there's never been a single casualty of war." The Soldier took a deep breath and looked up. Pinkie Pie looked even sadder than before, and the tears welling up in her eyes had begun to escape, rolling down her face as tears are wont to do.

"So, Pinkie, this is what all this amounts to. I'm not saying war isn't horrible. I know about the horrors of war. In fact, I fought in World War II myself. I know about the horrors of war just as well as the next soldier. But war is unavoidable. It's unpleasant, and people get hurt all the time, sure. But as long as people are unhappy, there will always be war, and there will always be those who have to fight it." The Soldier stood up.

"I have not chosen an easy life, Pinkie Pie. But there will always be war, and as long as there is war to be fought, there must always be someone to fight it. If not me…who?" Silence fell over the basement once more. Pinkie and the Soldier stared at each other, neither saying a thing. Suddenly, Pinkie's legs gave out from under her once more. She collapsed to the ground and began to sob loudly.

As the Soldier stared at this sight, he felt a tear forming in his own eye. If he had felt pity for Pinkie before, it was nothing compared to what he felt now. Pinkie Pie had been cheerful and talkative while he was holding a shotgun to her head, and now he'd made her cry. Pinkie Pie was the kind of pony who should never be seen crying. Even in the…the Soldier checked his watch again. 1300 on the dot. Even in the hour and 28 minutes he'd known her, he could see that. Slowly, the Soldier walked over to where Pinkie lay. He knelt down and began to gently stroke her mane.

"Hey…it's okay," he said, trying to make his voice sound comforting. "The Holocaust was a tragedy. The story of the Holocaust brings tears to the eyes of even the most hardened veteran." The Soldier sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Hell, I even made myself cry while I was telling that story. But…" The Soldier stopped, trying to find some way to comfort the hysterical pony.

"…But nothing like that will ever happen again," he said. "Respawning has been perfected since then, so no man will ever die in the pursuit of warfare again. And the world has learned from the reign of Mecha-Hitler. Up until the '30s, humans were goddamn bastards. Hitler took that bastardry and turned it into a monster. Hitler was a horrible, horrible man…but he was human. When word of the Holocaust got out, people saw just a little bit of humanity in Hitler. He did what he did in the name of revenge. It's a perfectly decent motivator. But they also saw a little bit of Hitler's bastardry in themselves. We've learned since then. No catastrophe of that scale will ever happen again." Pinkie slowly stopped sobbing.

"You alright, kiddo?" the Soldier asked, softly patting Pinkie's back.

"I…I think so…" hiccupped Pinkie, slowly getting to her hooves.

"Great. Great…" Neither the Soldier nor Pinkie Pie spoke for a long time.

"You know, Pinkie…" said the Soldier. He hesitated, then continued. "You know how I said I would kill you if Twilight didn't come back with the information I wanted?"

"Yeah…"

"I've changed my mind. I'm not going to kill you." Suddenly, Pinkie's mane poofed back into its previous curly state, and a smile crossed her face once more.

"You're not?" she said, starting to sound happy again.

"No. Crying does not become you, Pinkie Pie. You're just naturally happy. You deserve to be happy. If you're happy, people around you are happy. As long as you and ponies like you are happy, Equestria is a better place. Taking you out of this world would be a crime…a crime more heinous than anything Hitler ever did."


	5. Big Damn Heroes

"Twilight, I'm telling you! There's nothing about Mann's Land in any of these books!" said Spike, trying desperately to get Twilight's attention.

"We have to keep looking, Spike!" shouted Twilight back, skimming through the books three at a time now. "It has to be somewhere! It just has to be! Keep looking!"

"But, Twilight—" Spike began. Twilight squeezed her eyes shut, bared her teeth and growled with frustration.

"I SAID KEEP LOOKING!" she bellowed. Her screams resounded throughout the library, and were punctuated by a sudden and completely unexpected clap of thunder. That shut both of them up.

"…There wasn't supposed to be a storm today, was there, Spike?" asked Twilight, too confused to stay angry.

"I don't think so…" responded Spike, equally confused. Suddenly, the library's front door opened.

"Twilight! What the heck is going on in here?"

"Oh, hey, Rainbow Dash!" said Twilight, trying to sound calm and failing miserably. "Did you hear that thunder just now? What was up with that?" The sky blue pegasus rolled her eyes.

"Oh, it's nothing. Ditzy just decided to try her hoof at cloud-clearing."

"Ditzy? Isn't Ditzy a mailpony?"

"Yeah, but the mail doesn't run on Sundays," Rainbow Dash responded, shutting the door behind her and flying over to Twilight. "Apparently, a friend of hers couldn't make it to work today, so Ditzy offered to fill in for her."

"And how'd that turn out?" asked Spike, chuckling to himself.

"She did really well for her first day," said Rainbow Dash. "She was on her last cloud when _you_ startled her, Twilight."

"I…startled her?" asked Twilight.

"That scream of yours scared her, yeah. Nice job breaking it, hero." No one said anything for a while after that.

"Well, anyway…" said Twilight, turning back to the books, "since you're here, do you think you could give me a hoof?" Spike let out an exasperated groan.

"Twilight, come ON! You've been through every book in here like three times already!"

"What are you doing, Twilight?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I've got about an hour now to find some reference to Mann's Land in these books!" said Twilight, pulling another book off the pile of books she'd already checked.

"Mann's Land? Where's Mann's Land?" asked Rainbow Dash. Before Twilight had time to refuse to respond, however, the door opened again. This time, Rarity stood at the entrance.

"Twilight! I should have known I'd find you here!" she said in a relieved tone of voice, trotting over to the ever-growing pile of books.

"Rarity! What are you doing here?" said Twilight, dropping the book she was looking through in surprise.

"Get out of here now, before she puts you to work too!" shouted Spike.

"What in the world are you going on about?" Rarity asked, concerned, as she walked towards Twilight's massive collection of books. Twilight lifted her book back off the floor and continued to flip through it.

"Look, if you're not going to help me find Mann's Land, then get out of here and let me look by myself!"

"Again, what are you going on about?" asked Rarity, concerned and frustrated at the same time.

"_I don't know!_" screamed Twilight, hurling the book at the far wall. Rainbow Dash and Rarity both reared backwards in shock at her sudden outburst. "I don't know where Mann's Land is, or why it's important, or anything about it! I just know that I have to find out about it in less than an hour, or else Pinkie Pie is going to be killed! Now are you going to help me or not?"

"WHAT?" shouted Spike, Rainbow Dash and Rarity in unison. A look of horror crossed Twilight's face, and she covered her mouth with her hoof.

"Oh, no…now you're all going to want to get involved…" she said quietly.

"Of course we're going to get involved!" said Dash, flying over to the pile of books and perching on top of it. "Pinkie Pie's life is at stake! We've got to save her!"

"Save her? No! You can't! If you try to rescue her, that monster will kill her right then! And then he'll kill you!"

"Well, we've got to do SOMETHING!" said Spike, clearly panicked.

"If you want to do something, then help me look through these books!" said Twilight, grabbing yet another book off the pile.

"No, no, _no!_" shouted Dash, leaping off the pile of books and hovering in midair. "Pinkie Pie is in danger! I'm not just going to sit on my flanks trying to appease a kidnapper! I'm going after her!"

"Dash, wait!" Twilight shouted. But it was too late. Dash had already flown out the door.

"We've got to stop her before she gets to the bakery!" screamed Twilight. She charged over to the center of the room, where Spike was standing. She knocked him into the air with her head as she dashed past him, propelling him into the air and onto her back. Without breaking stride, she galloped out the front door after Dash. Rarity was left standing in the library in shock. She didn't know what was going on. In her stunned stupor, she noticed something strange sitting on one of the nearby tables.

"…Is that the helmet from earlier?" she thought to herself, leaning closer to investigate. It was, in fact, the Tyrant's Helm that Rarity had enchanted. Rarity suddenly came to a shocking realization. Twilight had been as scared when she demanded the hat as she had been just now. Maybe…the hat belonged to the kidnapper?

"Oh, no…if that's the case, then the kidnapper is going to want it back!" thought Rarity. She magically lifted the helmet off the table and suspended it in midair beside her. Having done this, she charged out the door after Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

* * *

><p>Oblivious to all of this, the Soldier and Pinkie Pie were sitting on crates, eating cupcakes.<p>

"I just cannot get over how good these things are," the Soldier said, brushing a few stray crumbs off his lapel. "I've never touched an oven in my life, but I think I may need to take it up after this."

"I know! The Cakes are amazing bakers, but their cupcakes are just out of this world!" said Pinkie. The Soldier said nothing. Instead he stared off into the distance. His face looked as though he'd just smelled something sour.

"What's the matter, Soldier?" she asked, cheerful as ever. The Soldier stood up slowly.

"Pinkie…" he said, walking to the center of the basement, "do you hear a high-pitched whistling noise?" Pinkie tilted her head to the side, listening closely.

"…Now that you mention it," she answered, hopping off the crate she was sitting on, "yeah, I do!"

"…That almost sounds like…" At that instant, the Soldier happened to glance at the window, and spotted a light-blue blur speeding straight toward it.

"INCOMING!"

* * *

><p>Everything seemed to move in slow-motion after that. The window shattered, and a blue missile shot into the room. Pinkie Pie shrieked. The blue missile whizzed over the Soldier's head—just barely—as he dove for the ground. It soared past where the Soldier had been standing, and slammed into the far wall just as the Soldier hit the ground.<p>

* * *

><p>The Soldier looked up. He looked over to the far wall where the missile had struck. There was a sizable crater in the wall, and a light blue winged pony with a rainbow-colored mane was lying unconscious on the floor. The Soldier took a moment to take this situation in. After a few moments of silence, he began to laugh heartily.<p>

"Ducking saves my life once again!" he said, getting to his feet and brushing himself off. "You would not believe how many times I've forgotten to duck!" Just then, the seemingly unconscious pony leapt to her hooves and began to hover above the ground.

"I'm not going to let you hurt Pinkie Pie, you monster!" she shouted.

"Whoa—you're still alive? You're not even unconscious after hitting that wall at Mach 1? THAT is impressive."

"Shut up!" the pony shouted, flying up to the Soldier. "If you've hurt a single hair in her mane," she continued, prodding the Soldier repeatedly with an indignant hoof, "I'll personally kick your—" Just then, a strange metallic clink sounded off throughout the room. The Soldier's look of shock matched Rainbow Dash's perfectly. He quickly looked down at his feet. A metallic ring was lying discarded at his feet. In that instant, the Soldier knew he would get to deliver a line he'd spent years of his life perfecting.

"NO, YOU FOOL! YOU'VE KILLED US ALL!" Moving faster than he thought possible, he yanked the now pinless grenade off of his chest and hurled it at the far wall. It bounced off the wall and into the open box of baking chocolate.

"Both of you, into the corner! NOW!" he bellowed. Before Rainbow Dash had time to react, the Soldier grabbed her outstretched hoof and flung her bodily into the opposite corner of the room. Pinkie Pie leapt into the corner after her. Once they were both there, the Soldier sprinted into the corner and threw his body against the two confused and terrified ponies.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE, GIRLS!" he bellowed, squeezing his eyes shut. A split second later, an explosion rocked the basement. Both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash shrieked in terror.

* * *

><p>Once the dust settled, the Soldier looked behind him to see the damage his grenade had done. As it turned out, surprisingly little—the box of baking chocolate had been demolished, and a few crates had been overturned, and there was a very large scorch mark on the floor, but very little structural damage had been done, which was the Soldier's biggest concern. The Soldier let out a huge sigh of relief. Then he stood up, grabbed Rainbow Dash by the scruff of the neck, and pulled her up to eye level. Rainbow Dash cried out in pain as she was lifted off the ground. She began to struggle violently, flapping her wings and legs around wildly.<p>

"I hope you've learned a valuable lesson here today, young lady," he said sternly as he walked to the center of the room again. Rainbow Dash looked intimidated for a split second, then twisted her face back into a look of anger.

"And what would that be?" she said, remaining indignant despite having just barely escaped death.

"_Never screw around with live explosives!"_

"Oh, come on, Soldier!" said Pinkie, hopping over to where the Soldier stood. "How was Rainbow Dash supposed to know that thing was going to explode?"

"Wait, Soldier?" said Dash, her eyes widening with surprise. "Pinkie, you know this guy?"

"Sure I do! We've been hanging out down here for the past four hours!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully, giving the Soldier a gentle nuzzle.

"We're on friendly terms now," the Soldier agreed.

"So…you're not going to kill her?" Dash asked.

"I was, but then we had a big heart-to-heart talk," the Soldier said, patting Pinkie Pie on the head with his free hand.

"Well, great!" responded Dash. "There's only one problem…" Suddenly, the door at the top of the stairs burst open.

"Let them go, you monster!"


	6. The Plot Happens

Twilight Sparkle charged through the town square, weaving with surprising grace through the crowd of ponies between her and the bakery.

"Do you think they're going to be okay?" Spike asked, clutching at Twilight's mane for dear life.

"I don't know, Spike…" Twilight responded, obviously very scared. "I hope they are, but—" Just then, a massive explosion sounded off from somewhere beneath the square. Twilight skidded to a stop. A collective gasp sounded off over the town square.

"That sounded like it came from the bakery!" said Spike, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Twilight! What's happened?" Twilight whipped her head around to see Rarity barreling down the street towards her, with the helmet floating beside her.

"I don't know! I think Pinkie and Dash might be in serious trouble!"

"I suppose appeasing the kidnapper is out of the question now…" Rarity said, lowering her head with worry.

"That's why you brought the hat? You thought it'd help appease the kidnapper?" asked Spike.

"Yes, exactly!" replied Rarity.

"There's no time for that! We've got to get into the basement, _now!_" shouted Twilight. She charged off towards the bakery, and Rarity after her.

* * *

><p>"Well, great!" responded Dash. "There's only one problem…" Suddenly, the door at the top of the stairs burst open.<p>

"Let them go, you monster!"

The Soldier, Pinkie, and Dash's heads whipped around to look at the door. Twilight Sparkle and Rarity were standing at the top of the stairs, ready to fight to defend their friends. Their horns were glowing, and they were glaring determinedly at the Soldier.

"What have you done to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, you ruffian?" shouted Rarity.

"I just saved their lives!" shouted the Soldier.

"He just saved our lives!" shouted Pinkie Pie simultaneously. The two of them exchanged an odd glance. A few moments later, the two burst into laughter—the Soldier chuckling heartily while Pinkie giggled at his side.

"Huh?" was all Twilight could bring herself to say. The Soldier cleared his throat and stopped laughing.

"That explosion just now is what you were concerned about, right?" the Soldier asked.

"Well, yeah…" Twilight responded, confused.

"That only happened because Rainbow Dash here accidentally knocked the pin out of one of my grenades. Complete accident. And both Pinkie and Dash are fine."

"Well…they…" Twilight looked down, shamefully.

"Why so glum, Twilight? …Oh, wait. It's because I said if you didn't come alone, I'd kill Pinkie and whoever you brought with you, right?"

"What?" blurted out Dash. "Twilight, why didn't you tell me that?"

"I did tell you that!" Twilight shouted back.

"Relax, everyone. I'm not going to kill anybody." Pinkie cleared her throat and elbowed the Soldier's leg meaningfully.

"…Anypony," the Soldier corrected himself. "I'm not going to kill anypony."

"But you said you would—"

"I know I said I would. I changed my mind."

"Um…hello? If you're not gonna kill me, then let go of me!" scoffed Rainbow Dash, crossing her front legs.

"Oh. Right." The Soldier bent down and gently placed Rainbow Dash on the floor of the basement. Seconds later, she jumped back into the air and began hovering at about the Soldier's eye level.

"Okay. Now, then, Twilight, no, I'm not going to kill them. But I still want you to hold to your end of the bargain. We'll handle the easy part first. Did you bring my hat with you?" Twilight and Rarity appeared briefly horrified, and looked down at their hooves.

"…Is that a no?" the Soldier asked, crossing his arms.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," said Spike.

"The good news is, we did manage to get your hat back," said Twilight shamefully, not looking up.

"The bad news is…" Rarity sighed deeply. She lifted the hat from where she'd been concealing it behind her and levitated it into the basement. The Soldier stared at the helmet, his face conveying more shock with its blankness than any look of horror could have communicated. Saying nothing, the Soldier stared at his hat and the tiny rainbow floating above it. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he looked up.

"The pony you got my hat back from…Rarity…where is she?" he asked softly. Rarity reared back, shocked. After a moment, she looked down again and sighed.

"I'm Rarity," she said. "I'm sorry…I didn't know the hat belonged to you. I—"

"Sorry?" the Soldier said. "_Sorry?_" As quick as a flash, he reached out and snatched the hat out of midair. He held it up at eye level. Suddenly, he did something that no one could have expected: he wept.

"It's _beautiful!_" he said, tears welling up in his eyes. The Soldier received an odd look from every pony in the room (and Spike, of course).

"It's…what?" Rarity responded dumbly. The Soldier, meanwhile, was cradling the helmet gently in his arms and softly stroking it.

"It's _beautiful!_" he said again, tears of joy rolling down his face. "I've worked for RED for fifteen years now, and I've never even SEEN an Unusual, let alone WORN one!" Twilight and Rarity exchanged an odd look. Pinkie and Dash did the same.

"…So…you like it?" Rainbow Dash asked, more than a little confused.

"I love it! I can't thank you enough!" the Soldier practically cheered, gingerly placing the hat on his head. Rarity smiled awkwardly and looked up for a moment.

"Oh…well…it was nothing, really. Just a little practical application of magic." The smile suddenly vanished off the Soldier's face. With his hat back on, his eyes couldn't be seen, but it was a fair guess that he was confused.

"Magic?" he asked.

"Yes. Magic, of course," Rarity responded. The Soldier took his hand to his chin and began stroking it thoughtfully.

"Magic…" he said. "I'm guessing you didn't find anything about Mann's Land, then, Twilight?"

"No, nothing," she said. The Soldier looked up at Twilight.

"Alright. That just confirms…my…" The Soldier trailed off. "Is your…lizard there alright?" he asked. Twilight looked behind her. Spike was covering his mouth with his hands, and looked like he was about to throw up. Suddenly, he shot up into the air and belched. A plume of green flame shot out of his mouth. Before the Soldier's eyes, it began to contort and twist in midair. Within a few seconds, it had turned into a sheet of parchment rolled into a scroll. Twilight caught the parchment using her telekinesis and unfurled it. She took a moment to read the letter. The Soldier, meanwhile, shot an odd look at Rainbow Dash.

"Does that…normally happen?" he asked.

"Yeah, Spike does that a lot. One of the perks of having a baby dragon as your personal assistant," Dash responded.

"Oh, no…" Twilight muttered, anxiety plain in her voice. "Just when you think the day can't get any worse…"

"What? What's happened?" asked Rarity.

"It's a letter from the princess," Twilight said, "and according to her, we're all in big trouble."

* * *

><p>"Dear Twilight Sparkle,<p>

"There is no nice way to say this, so allow me to get straight to the point. There has recently been a large influx of magical energy into Equestria. It is my belief that some form of magical portal has opened somewhere in the Everfree Forest connecting Equestria to a completely different reality. I don't know which reality, or what it would be like, but I do know that two dangerous—and possibly deadly—creatures have passed through this portal into Equestria.

"If these creatures decide to rampage throughout Equestria, there is no telling how much damage they could do. To the best of my knowledge, one of the creatures is wandering through the Everfree Forest, remaining near the portal but not going through it. The other creature—and I beseech you not to panic when you read this—has left the forest, and may already be in Ponyville.

"I hereby charge you, Twilight, as well as your friends, with locating these creatures and returning them to the land from whence they came. I do not assign you this task lightly. This is a task that only the bearers of the Elements of Harmony will be able to complete. You are the only ones who can do it.

"Best of luck, Princess Celestia."

* * *

><p>"Well, that's bad," said Rainbow Dash, hovering in midair behind Twilight.<p>

"I'll say!" said Pinkie.

"Where would we even start looking for creatures from another reality?" Rarity asked.

"…Actually…" the Soldier said, raising his hand. "I think I know where one of them is." The ponies gave the Soldier a series of odd looks. Twilight and Rarity began walking down the stairs, and Rainbow Dash hovered just overhead behind them.

"You do? Where?" Twilight asked.

"I was about to explain this when Spike threw up that note," the Soldier said, "but I think I might be one of them."

"You are? Why do you think that?" Rarity asked.

"I was actually sent here against my will by a group of angry scientists. Right before they sent me here, they mentioned something called a 'stable cross-dimensional rift'. Where I come from, we don't really believe in magic, so that might be what they decided to call this magical portal of yours. All the evidence is pointing to the fact that I'm not in my native reality, and I need to get back."

"Well, that's a start!" said Pinkie, hopping around the Soldier in a circle. "Now we just need to find the other one!"

"We also need to get the Soldier here out of this basement so he can get back to the portal," said Rainbow Dash.

"That might be a little bit of a problem," the Soldier said. "I don't think anyone in Ponyville has ever seen a human before. What if I cause a panic?"

"I might be able to help with that," Twilight said.

"What did you have in mind?" the Soldier asked.

"While I was looking for Mann's Land, I found a spell that could turn a creature into an earth pony. If I use it on you, you'll be able to blend into the crowd in Ponyville. It's kind of a complicated spell, though…"

"Well, I don't see that we have any other choice here," the Soldier said. He stood looked up slightly, shut his eyes, and braced himself for impact. "Work your magic, Twilight."

Twilight shut her eyes. Her horn began to glow softly. As it grew steadily brighter, beams of light began to snake around the Soldier's body. Twilight grimaced with effort, and huge beads of sweat rolled down her forehead. Soon, the Soldier was completely enveloped in light. A dark blue ball of energy materialized between Twilight and the Soldier, sparking electricity. As Pinkie, Spike, Rainbow Dash and Rarity watched in awe and anxiety, a huge flash of light erupted from the ball of energy. The ponies and the Soldier were flung in opposite directions by the sudden blast, and for a long, long moment afterwards, no one could see anything…


	7. Meet Red Salvo

**Author's Note: **Happy Season Two premiere, everypony! Here's more crossover to celebrate!

salvo (noun): 1. a simultaneous or successive discharge of artillery, bombs, etc. 2. a round of fire given as a salute. 3. a round of cheers or applause.

* * *

><p>Twilight slowly picked herself up off the ground, coughing and sputtering. The explosion had demolished a nearby stack of empty crates, and now everypony was scattered around in a pile of broken wood and horses. Around her, her friends were doing their best to disentangle themselves.<p>

"Soldier? Are you okay?" Pinkie called out worriedly, glancing around the room.

"Arrrrrgh…" came the Soldier's voice from behind a row of crates on the far end of the room. A bright red hoof reached out from behind them. Slowly, a bruised, battered-looking colt crawled out. He had a brilliant red coat and a short yellow mane. His tail was also yellow, but was a lot shorter than most other ponies' tails. He wore a black belt of some kind around his chest, with a single grenade attached to it, and he wore a red Viking helmet with a rainbow floating above it on his head.

"I'm…not sure if it worked…" the red pony said.

"It worked, alright!" said Spike, climbing out of the pile of wood.

"It did?" the Soldier replied, confused. He pushed himself up off the ground and onto his hind legs. "How come I don't feel any different, then?" Suddenly, the pony lost his balance and collapsed back to the ground. He let out a cry of surprise as he fell. He failed to catch himself with his front feet, and slammed into the ground hard.

"Ow…I guess it did work," he grumbled.

"Wow! I'm impressed, Twilight! You got the face a lot better this time!" said Rarity, brushing the dust off of her coat. "He'll fit right in now!"

"You think I will?" the Soldier asked, hobbling unsteadily toward the group of ponies. "You don't notice anything…out of the ordinary about me?"

"I don't see anything!" chirped Pinkie, hopping out of the pile of rubble cheerfully. "Now we can start looking for that other creature! C'mon, let's go get Applejack and Fluttershy!"

"Who?" the Soldier asked.

"Applejack and Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash said, hopping off the pile and floating over to behind the Soldier. "They're two other friends of ours—the other two bearers of the Elements of Harmony Princess Celestia mentioned in her letter."

"Alright," the Soldier said, turning his head to follow Rainbow Dash. "Let's go, then." Suddenly, Rainbow stopped in midair. She swooped in close to the Soldier and examined his left hind flank closely.

"Hey…give me a few hours, will ya?" the Soldier said, chuckling at his own bad joke.

"Where's his cutie mark?" Dash asked.

"Oh, no…I thought that was going to happen," said Twilight, slapping her forehead with her right front hoof.

"Um…what's a cutie mark?" the Soldier asked. Pinkie Pie bounded back over to him.

"A cutie mark is a mark on your flank that represents your special talent in life!" she chirped.

"Ponies aren't born with them," Rarity said, walking up to the Soldier. "Once a young filly discovers his or her talent, then his or her cutie mark appears on his or her flank. What the mark actually is depends on the talent. For example, Pinkie's special talent is throwing parties and generally making ponies happy, so her cutie mark is three balloons." Pinkie turned to the side so that the Soldier could see her flank. Her flank bore the image of three balloons, two of them blue and one of them yellow. The Soldier looked around at the rest of the ponies. They also bore "cutie marks"—Rarity's of three blue diamonds, Dash's of a stormcloud emitting a rainbow-colored bolt of lightning, and Twilight's of some kind of pink six-pronged star with several smaller stars around it.

"So…if I don't have a cutie mark, then people are going to think I'm completely useless?" the Soldier said.

"No, that's not it at all!" said Twilight. "A filly without a cutie mark is still full of potential!"

"A filly, maybe," said Dash, crossing her front legs, "but what about a full-grown pony without a cutie mark?" There was an awkward silence.

"…You know what? I don't think it matters," the Soldier said, attempting a trot over to the staircase. "So long as no one asks about it, we should be fine. Let's just get those other two Element bearers and go." The Soldier mounted the staircase and promptly tripped over his own hooves, slamming his head into the stairs. He cried out in pain as his head hit the wooden steps, then slowly got to his hooves a few moments later.

"This is going to take some time to get used to," he grumbled.

The odd procession trotted through Town Square, trying not to draw attention to the Soldier.

* * *

><p>"So, where are we headed, again, Twilight?" the Soldier asked.<p>

"We're going to Sweet Apple Acres, remember?" Twilight responded, trying to speak quietly. "It's Applejack's family's farm. We'll find her there, and then we'll head over to Fluttershy's."

"I just hope we can avoid any undue attention on the way over there," Rarity said nervously.

"Twilight! There you are!" The procession turned their heads to see where the voice was coming from. Rainbow Dash sighed in exasperation.

"You had to say it, didn't you, Rarity?" she grumbled. A light brown colt with a dark brown, spiky mane and a cutie mark of an hourglass trotted up to the group of ponies.

"I've been looking for you," he said, glancing nervously from side to side. "I just wanted to let you know, I might be a little late returning _Hoofhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_."

"That won't be a problem, Doctor," Twilight said awkwardly, trying to pull her group away, "but as it happens, I'm a little busy right now, and I really don't have time to chat."

"Well, at least introduce me to your friend here!" The group of ponies exchanged a series of alarmed looks.

"Um…I…I really don't—" Twilight began.

"Twilight, it's fine. It won't take long, after all," the Soldier interrupted, stepping out from the center of his tiny herd. "I'm…uh…" It wasn't until that moment that the Soldier realized he hadn't chosen an alias for himself. He commanded himself to think of something, _anything_, he could use as inspiration for a name. After what seemed like hours, the image of a critical rocket popped into his head.

"I'm…Red…uh…Salvo. Yeah, Red Salvo."

"Nice to meet you, Red Salvo," replied the mysterious stranger, extending his hoof. "I'm Doctor Whooves." The Soldier took the Doctor's hoof in his own and shook it.

"Nice to meet you too, Doctor Whooves," he said nervously.

"You're not from around here, are you, Salvo?" the Doctor asked, tilting his head to the side.

"No, I'm from…um…out of town. I was just stopping by to pay a visit to Twilight."

"Ah, I see," the Doctor responded, craning his head to get a better look at "Red Salvo". "I…couldn't help but notice that you don't appear to have a cutie mark…" he said nervously. The Soldier scoffed in annoyance.

"Oh, sure, you just _had_ to bring _that_ up, didn't you?" the Soldier groaned, rolling his eyes.

"O-okay! Now that we've all met, we really need to get going!" Twilight stammered quickly, shoving the Soldier away from Doctor Whooves. "See you around, Doctor Whooves!" And just like that, the herd was lost in the crowd. Doctor Whooves was simply left standing there, confused.

"…Okay, bye…" he said aloud to no one in particular.

* * *

><p>"Red Salvo, huh?" Dash smirked as she flapped along behind the group.<p>

"It was short notice, alright? That was the first thing I came up with."

"Well, we've got to stick with it now!" Pinkie chirped. "And I guess we should start calling you that, too, huh?"

"Yeah…for consistency," the Soldier agreed.

"Hush up, everyone," Twilight whispered to the herd. "Just don't say anything else until we're out of town, and we'll be safe."


	8. You Are An Idiot And You Hate America

The RED Soldier (or Red Salvo, as he was getting used to calling himself now) and company had left the town a while ago. They were currently en route to Sweet Apple Acres, and had been walking in silence. The Soldier was getting the hang of this whole having-four-legs thing. There was a simple rhythm to it, and it was easy to walk once you figured it out.

"Alright, here we are!" Twilight said, snapping the Soldier out of his reverie. Sure enough, the herd of ponies had arrived at a farm. The Soldier could tell it was a farm right off the bat. It had all the staples—chicken coops, white picket fences, several fields of crops, a big red barn, and way off in the distance, an enormous orchard of apple trees. The Soldier let out a low whistle.

"Quite the facility the Apple family has here," he said to himself.

"Howdy, Twilight!" came a cheerful-sounding girl's voice from the Soldier's left. The Soldier turned to look. Sure enough, yet another pony was standing there—not that he was surprised by that at this point. This one was faded orange with a long blonde mane and green eyes. Unlike the rest of the ponies, this pony had tied her mane up into (the Soldier sighed internally) a pony tail. She was wearing a cowboy hat, and she bore a cutie mark of three red apples.

"Hello, Applejack," responded Twilight, walking over to the barn where Applejack stood. The Soldier and company followed her. "I'm afraid we're here because we need your help with something."

"Well, y'all know you can count on me. But aren't you gonna introduce me to yer friend first?"

"That's what we need your help with," said Spike from his perch atop Twilight's back.

"I'm Red Salvo," the Soldier said, extending his hoof. Before he knew what had happened, something had grabbed his hoof and was thrashing it violently up and down.

"Howdy do, Mr. Salvo," Applejack said brightly. "A pleasure makin' your acquaintance. I'm Applejack." The Soldier had fought in World War II. He'd cleared Nazi presence out of a concentration camp and seen what the Nazis had done there. He'd snuck in on several major battles and seen the resources that both sides had access to. So you wouldn't have thought that an overbearing greeting, of all things, would have scared him.

"OH GOD, PLEASE LET GO OF ME," he shouted. Applejack appeared startled by this, and quickly let go of the Soldier's hoof. The Soldier's front legs gave out from under him, and he collapsed to the ground, awash with relief.

"Warn me next time you're going to do something like that," he panted.

"Maybe things will go faster if we go inside and explain the situation," Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes.

"How would that help?" the Soldier asked, looking up at where Dash hovered above his head.

"…While you stay outside," Dash added. "We're gonna be here all day if you keep spazzing out like that."

"Oh. Yeah, that would help," the Soldier said, standing up. Without another word, the procession of ponies walked into the barn and closed the door behind them. The Soldier walked up to the barn doors and lay down beside them, anticipating a long wait.

* * *

><p><em>Oooooooooo…<em>

The Soldier's head jerked upright. An eerie whistling noise had woken him from his impromptu slumber outside the barn.

"…That sounded like it came from the orchard," he thought to himself. He quickly decided to investigate. He quickly got to his hooves and trotted (which was about as fast as he was willing to risk walking) over to the massive field of apple trees just behind the barn. Almost immediately, he spotted an object off in the distance.

"Is that a…" The Soldier trotted off through the field of apple trees, eager to get a closer look at the mysterious object.

* * *

><p>The barn door opened, and the procession of ponies walked out.<p>

"Alright, I think I've gotcha now," Applejack was saying to Twilight. "So we've gotta find the other creature from Salvo's reality and get the two of 'em back where they came from?"

"Basically, yes," Twilight agreed, nodding her head.

"Hey, where'd he go?" Pinkie suddenly said. The group looked over to where Salvo had been laying, and sure enough, he wasn't there.

"Oh, no…" Spike said nervously. "You don't think he got bored and ran off, do you?"

"What's the commotion about?" The ponies' heads whipped around. The Soldier was standing on the opposite side of the barn than they'd thought he was.

"Salvo, there you are. You had us worried," Rarity sighed with relief.

"Don't be. There're much bigger things to be worried about," the Soldier responded.

"Wait, what?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Just follow me, and I'll show you," the Soldier said. With that, he attempted a gallop off towards the orchard. He made it a few yards past the procession he was supposed to be leading before stumbling and falling flat on his quadrupedal face. This was met by a fair bit of laughter from the ponies behind him.

"Yeah, sure. Laugh it up now, girls," the Soldier said, getting to his hooves. "You'll see. There's nothing funny about this." With that, the Soldier trotted off into the apple orchard. After exchanging a few odd glances, Twilight and company trotted off after him.

* * *

><p>"There it is, girls. This is how much trouble we're in," the Soldier said, pointing at the object before him. The Soldier's procession simply stared at the object, confused.<p>

"This is what all that fuss was about?" Applejack asked, shooting the Soldier an odd look.

"This is not something to be taken lightly, ladies. If this thing is here, it can only mean trouble."

"Trouble? What trouble?" Pinkie asked, hopping out from behind the Soldier to get a closer look at the object. "I _love_ getting presents!" It was, indeed, a faded green present wrapped with an orange ribbon, and looked to be about as large as Pinkie herself. It was currently hovering a few inches off the ground, rotating continuously in a circle, and emitting eerie purplish-blue sparkles.

"This is no ordinary present, Pinkie!" the Soldier shouted. "This is a Haunted Halloween Gift! I've seen these things before, and NO DON'T TOUCH IT!" But it was too late. Pinkie had already reached out to claim the Gift. The instant she touched it, however, it vanished. The faint sound of a crowd cheering could be heard in the far, far distance. A brown paper sack materialized where the Gift had been before falling to the ground.

"See, silly?" Pinkie said, picking the sack up and showing it to the Soldier. "Nothing to be scared of!"

"OH GOD NO!" the Soldier cried out in horror, rearing up on his hind legs and squeezing his eyes shut. "KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!"

"Salvo, calm down!" said Dash, flitting over to where Pinkie Pie stood. "It's just a paper bag!"

"Yes, but look at what's ON the bag!" the Soldier whimpered. The Soldier was normally never the type to cower in fear, but there he was, lying down on the ground and covering his eyes with his front legs. Pinkie flipped the bag over, revealing a crudely-drawn picture. The image depicted Pinkie Pie's face, contorted into a depiction of rage, with a pair of tiny orange horns sprouting out of her unnaturally straight mane. Pinkie, exhibiting the exact opposite reaction of the Soldier, burst out laughing.

"Why are you laughing? We've got to destroy that hideous thing!" the Soldier shouted, not removing his hooves from his face.

"Salvo, I'm not sure why you're so scared of this thing," Rarity began, "but it's just a mask. I can't imagine what would possess somepony to actually _wear_ it, but there's nothing scary about it."

"You don't understand!" the Soldier said, whimpering softly. "They're bait! They're bait for us!"

"Bait?" Rainbow Dash asked, crossing her front legs. "Then who set the trap?" Suddenly, the Soldier gasped and leapt to his feet.

"Oh, God, you're right!" he said, horrified. "I shouldn't have brought you here! I've put you all in danger! We've got to get out of here, now!" With that, the Soldier leapt to his hooves, whirled around, and galloped off back towards the barn. Maybe it was the fear, maybe it was just practice, or maybe it was just blind luck, but whatever the reason, he made it all the way back to the barn without tripping once.


	9. Mood Whiplash

After Twilight and company managed to calm the Soldier down, it was an uneventful (if tedious) walk to Fluttershy's cottage. It had taken a while, but the Soldier was calm now—in fact, he'd worn himself out panicking and was struggling to stay awake. The Soldier was paying a bit more attention to where he was going this time, and noticed when he and his new group of companions had arrived.

"This must be Fluttershy's cottage," he said aloud.

"Yep, this is it!" Pinkie chirped cheerfully. The Soldier took the opportunity to observe his surroundings. Fluttershy's…dwelling had been called a cottage, but the Soldier wouldn't certainly call it that. It looked more like a mound of earth with several windows carved into it and plants growing all over the outside walls. There was a chimney sculpted onto the top of it, and there were hundreds upon hundreds of birdhouses all around the house. The sun was setting in the distance, and the sounds of birdsong filled the air.

If the Soldier was so inclined, he might have called the scene beautiful. Yet he was uneasy. He had only actually met a hippie once, but there were a significant number of similarities between its home and Fluttershy's.

"For the record," the Soldier said as he and his travelling companions approached the front door, "Fluttershy and I may not get along."

"Nonsense. You'll get along just fine," Rarity said. Having reached the front door, Twilight reached out and knocked.

"Fluttershy? Are you home?" she asked.

"Hold on, I'm coming," said a faint, high-pitched voice from inside the cottage. The Soldier took a deep breath.

"Alright, Soldier," he thought to himself. "Remember, she may live in a mud hut on the edge of a forest, and there may be bird houses everywhere, but that does not make her a hippie." Just as soon as he was done with this line of thought, the door opened. Standing in the doorway was a yellow pegasus pony with a pink mane and bright green eyes. Thankfully, there was a decided lack of tie-dye.

"Hello, everyone," she said softly. "What brings…you…" Fluttershy's voice trailed off. Suddenly, she started to act skittish. She took a few tiny steps backwards and let out a tiny squeak, looking as though she wanted to disappear behind her mane. Rainbow Dash groaned and rolled her eyes.

"I could've told you this was going to happen," she muttered, clearly annoyed.

"Fluttershy, this is Red Salvo," Twilight said, disregarding Dash's annoyance. "He's a friend of ours." The Soldier stepped forward and extended his hoof.

"Pleasure to meet you, Fluttershy," he said warmly. Fluttershy looked away from him, whimpering softly.

"Fluttershy is a little nervous about meeting new ponies," Twilight said. "Maybe it would be easier if you waited out here while we explained the situation to her."

"Maybe that would be for the best," the Soldier agreed.

"I'll stay here and make sure he doesn't run off again," offered Spike, hopping off Twilight's back.

"That won't be necessary," the Soldier replied, stifling a yawn.

"No, I think he's right," Applejack said. "You boys just wait out here a spell. We'll be back in a jiffy." With that, the ponies walked into Fluttershy's house and closed the door behind them, leaving Spike and the Soldier alone.

* * *

><p>After spending around an hour outside, the Soldier and Spike were finally allowed to enter Fluttershy's cottage. The situation had been thoroughly explained, and the six ponies were discussing tactics.<p>

"So, the gang's all here?" Soldier remarked.

"You betcha," Applejack said.

"Alright, ladies, what's the plan?" the Soldier asked, joining the circle that the ponies had formed in the center of the room.

"Well, if what Princess Celestia told us is accurate," began Twilight, "the other creature we're looking for should be somewhere in the Everfree Forest. I think our best bet is to just go for it."

"What, you mean right now?" the Soldier asked, shooting Twilight an odd look. "Somehow I don't think that heading out into the dark, spooky forest in the middle of the night would be the best idea."

"What do you mean?" Fluttershy asked. She seemed to have warmed up to him a lot more now that she knew he wasn't technically a pony…or maybe that was just the Soldier's imagination.

"Well, based on what I've heard, the Everfree Forest is full of a lot of creatures that want to eat us. I've spent a long time fighting, and if I've learned anything, it's been this: Just because you can't see your enemies doesn't mean they can't see you. It's Survival 101. So I propose we wait until morning to go through the dark, spooky enchanted forest. That way, it won't be as dark, and if something tries to eat us, we'll see them sooner."

"He's got a point there, if you ask me. There's no reason to strain our eyes unnecessarily," said Rarity, nodding.

"Y'know, I think he's got a point too," said Applejack. "….A diff'rent point. The visibility is gonna help a lot."

"Then it's settled," Twilight said. "We'll get some sleep tonight and head into the forest in the morning."

* * *

><p>The Soldier was lying on the ground outside of Fluttershy's cottage, and had fallen asleep. Fluttershy didn't have seven beds (or rather, seven beds intended for ponies), so the Soldier had offered to sleep outside to make more room in the house. He had slept outside a lot during his days in the war, and he kind of enjoyed it. To the outside observer, he appeared tranquil and calm. However, he was currently having an awful nightmare…<p>

He was human again, and he was walking alone through a forested area his team referred to as "Mountain Lab". Battles occurred quite often in Mountain Lab, and he knew the lay of the land well. He walked up to the first control point in the area. He sighed to himself. It was a nice day, by his standards, and he couldn't imagine anything going wrong…

Suddenly, the area was shrouded in darkness. The Solder looked up. The sun had vanished from the sky, replaced by a moon twice its size. The Soldier looked back down and recoiled in horror. In the instant he'd looked away from the ground, everything had changed. The Mountain Lab complex was made mostly out of concrete and metal. But now, somehow, the entire area had transformed. The buildings were now decrepit, abandoned wooden structures. A concrete arch nearby had transformed into a natural stone tunnel. A faded yellow banner hung on the wall of the large building ahead of him, and on it was a faded crest of arms. This wasn't Mountain Lab…but he'd been here before…

Suddenly, before he knew what was happening, the control point in front of him was engulfed in purple flames. As the sound of organ music filled the air, something began to rise slowly out of the control point. The Soldier screamed in terror and ran away through the stone arch, praying that someone—anyone—would save him. The sound of evil cackling filled the air behind him.

"RUN, SOLDIER!" a deep, raspy voice shouted. "I'M COMING FOR YOU!" The Soldier didn't need any more encouragement. He charged through the tunnel and turned right, hoping to make it to the safety of the main compound. The basic layout of the area didn't appear to have changed, and yet, everything was different. As heavy footfalls sounded off behind him, slowly getting closer, the Soldier ran for his life. If he could just make it to the complex, then he'd be safe…

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" he heard himself scream. He reached for his inventory and pulled out his trusty rocket launcher. He looked down at his feet, leapt into the air and fired. The force of the explosion flung him high into the air. He adjusted himself mid-flight so that he would land on the roof of the wooden building that the second control point was located inside. He landed on the roof of the building just as he'd planned, but then did something he'd never done before after rocket jumping: he stumbled.

He took a few awkward steps forward, trying to retain his momentum and keep running, but to no avail. He tripped, and fell flat on his stomach. He lost his grip on his rocket launcher, and it tumbled forward, landing in front of a window looking into the building where the second control point was located.

"NO!" he screamed. He reached out with his right hand, trying to grab it before it fell. However, as he shot his arm out, he saw that his arm was not his arm. His hand had turned into a hoof. He was a pony again. Lacking fingers, his leg simply bumped into the rocket launcher, knocking it into the building.

"NO, GOD, PLEASE!" he screamed. He looked behind him, trying to see how much time he had. Nothing was there. Nothing was chasing him. The Soldier sighed with relief. Slowly, he got to his hooves and hopped into the building.

"Agh! What the hell?" The Soldier looked up to the second control point. The RED Engineer was crouching on it, shotgun in his hands. He had clearly been wounded. His brown overalls were drenched in blood, and there were several large cuts on his torso.

"Engie! Thank God you're here!" the Soldier tried to say. But all that came out of his mouth was a series of snorts and neighs.

"Thank God!" the Engineer said in his familiar southern drawl, running over to where the Soldier stood. "Alright, boy, we're gonna make a break for it!"

"No, wait, you don't understand!" the Soldier tried to shout. All that came out was a scared whinny. The Engineer leapt off the control point onto the Soldier's back. The sudden weight was too much for him, and the Soldier's legs gave out.

"Oh, you've gotta be kiddin' me!" the Engineer groaned as the Soldier slowly got to his hooves.

"Engie, please…" the Soldier tried to say one last time, but all that came out was a low snort. The Engineer didn't understand—couldn't understand. Oblivious to the Soldier's pleas, the Engineer swung his arm into the air and slapped the Soldier's hind flank.

"Giddyup!" he shouted. Shocked and terrified, the Soldier reared onto his hind legs and let out a terrified whinny. The Soldier tried to gallop away towards the main complex. But it had changed too. Instead of being a concrete building, it had turned into an enormous wooden mansion. From somewhere behind him, the Soldier heard the sound of heavy footfalls slowly approaching…

"It's right behind us! C'mon, hyah!" the Engineer screamed, slapping the Soldier's flank again. But the Soldier couldn't go any faster. He could hardly bear the burden of the Engineer's weight. He ran as hard as he could, but soon collapsed to the ground, panting and wheezing. The Soldier felt an intense pain in his right front leg, accompanied by the familiar, yet sickening CRACK of bones snapping.

"Ah, t' hell with it," the Engineer muttered, dismounting from the wounded Soldier. "This ol' thing's too sickly to carry me any further." The Engineer pulled his shotgun out of his inventory, cocked it, and pointed it at the Soldier's head.

"I'm sorry, boy…but I ain't got no choice." The Soldier tried to scream, to say "no", to do _anything_ that would stop the Engineer. But all that came out was a terrified whinny. The Engineer pulled the trigger, and the sound of a gunshot filled the air. Everything went dark…


	10. Moral Event Horizon

"NO!"

The Soldier bolted upright from where he had been lying on the ground. In his panic, he leapt to his feet and charged forward, blinded by terror and the morning sun. It would later occur to him that he was behaving in a similar manner to a wild mustang who had been spooked. However, the irony was lost on him at the moment. He galloped forward, having no idea where he was going, until his progress was halted by a sudden explosion. Terrified beyond belief, he reared up onto his hind legs and began kicking his front legs wildly.

"WE'RE BEING SHELLED!" he screamed. His hooves hit the ground once more, and he suddenly found the will to stop. He listened carefully for the sound of an artillery shell approaching, but heard nothing. He hung his head and sighed with relief. While he was looking down, he caught a glimpse of an odd object out of the corner of his eye. He looked back up to get a better look at the object.

In essence, it was a pumpkin. That would be the simplest way to describe it. However, this pumpkin possessed a trait that most other pumpkins do not: four sticks of dynamite were tied to it with black cloth.

"…Wait a minute…" the Soldier thought to himself. He turned around slowly. There were hundreds upon hundreds of pumpkins scattered across the landscape, standing between the Soldier and Fluttershy's cottage.

"I'm not being shelled…I'm in a minefield."

The Soldier looked cautiously around the pumpkin-studded field, careful not to touch anything. Touching any one of these pumpkins would cause the dynamite to detonate, which would likely knock the unfortunate victim into another pumpkin and set off the pumpkins nearby.

"Just great," the Soldier muttered to himself. "I go to sleep, and I wake up in the middle of a minefield. If I had a goddamn nickel…" Suddenly, the Soldier spotted something off in the distance. He craned his neck forward and squinted, trying to get a better look at the edge of the forest. He saw a set of eerie floating lights near the entrance to the forest. Because he was so far away, he couldn't tell what they were coming from—just that they were lights. But based on their shape, and how high off the ground they were… The Soldier took a deep breath. He began to carefully weave his way back through the field of pumpkins.

* * *

><p>After what seemed like ages, the Soldier returned to Fluttershy's cottage. This time, he pushed the door open and entered. To his surprise, the ponies he'd been travelling with (and Spike, of course) were already waiting for him in the main room.<p>

"Are you OK? We heard an explosion!" Rarity said nervously.

"I'm fine. I've been blown up a lot. I can take it," the Soldier said. "I was just having a bad dream. I kind of panicked, and I didn't realize until after I'd run around for a while that we're in the middle of a freakin' minefield."

"Minefield? What's a minefield?" Pinkie Pie asked, hopping over to the window cheerfully. "Is it like a pumpkin patch?"

"Only in this case, Pinkie. Basically, there are bombs everywhere. All those pumpkins are rigged to explode if we touch them."

"Wait…" Spike said, placing his hand on his chin, "but if there are pumpkins everywhere, and the pumpkins explode if we touch them, then how are we supposed to leave?"

"That's the idea," responded the Soldier. "Whatever set these things up doesn't want us to leave. He wants us to either remain in this house until we run out of supplies and starve to death, or risk going through the pumpkins, set one off and die in an explosion."

"Well, it must've taken him a while to do," said Twilight. She was pacing nervously across the floor as she spoke. "Maybe he's still close by."

"About that…" the Soldier said. "I was too far away to get a really good look, but I saw some spooky lights on the edge of the Everfree Forest."

"Spooky lights, huh?" now at the Soldier's elbow, despite having been looking out the window a moment before. "What kind of spooky lights?"

"Well, I'm glad you asked," the Soldier said morosely, walking to the center of the room. "The lights looked like they were coming from a jack-o-lantern."

"Well, I guess that would make sense," Dash said, circling aimlessly around the ceiling of the cottage.

"The problem is this would have to be a jack-o-lantern about two feet wide, floating ten to twelve feet off the ground."

"That would complicate matters," Rarity muttered to herself.

"Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that the lights are coming from a jack-o-lantern—specifically, a jack-o-lantern worn as the head of a vengeful spirit resembling a ten-foot tall human skeleton clad in decaying cloth wielding a possibly cursed and definitely haunted axe that has an insatiable need to decapitate things. I'm sorry, but I wasn't completely honest to you earlier. I had my suspicions that this thing was following us ever since we found that Haunted Halloween Gift at Sweet Apple Acres, but I didn't want to run the risk of panicking you if that wasn't really him. I should have said something before we became trapped in here, but it's…too late for that…" The Soldier trailed off. He slowly realized that everyone in the room was looking at him like he'd sprouted a fifth leg.

"…Why's everybod—er, everypony staring at me?" he asked.

"Have you spit yer bit or somethin'?" blurted out Applejack, pointing an accusatory hoof at the Soldier.

"NOBODY KNOWS!" bellowed the Soldier, rearing onto his hind legs. Once he crashed to the floor again, he realized that his standard response may not have been the best idea, given the circumstances. After a few moments of awkward silence, the Soldier suddenly realized he'd left a key element out of his explanation.

"Oh, and did I mention that in my reality the undead are a completely natural phenomenon and this horrible monster I've just described is actually the physical manifestation of a very angry ghost, thus leading me to conclude that this monster is the other being from my reality we should be looking for?"

"Ohhhhhh…"

"You should really mention things like that the first time," Spike grumbled.

"Well, if that's the other creature, we've got to go after it!" said Dash, making as though to swoop through the front door.

"WAIT!" the Soldier shouted, hurling himself in front of said door. "Did you forget about the pumpkins?"

"…Uh…wings, remember?"

"…Oh, right," the Soldier said, looking down at his feet, embarrassed.

"But how're the rest of us gonna get through?" asked Applejack, adjusting her hat.

"Well, when I trained to fight in World War II…because I definitely did that…" The Soldier glanced off towards the far wall, clearing his throat awkwardly. It was suspiciously reminiscent of Applejack's attempts to keep secrets. However, the Soldier looked back to his fellow ponies and continued before any conclusions could be drawn.

"…I learned two ways to get through a minefield safely," he continued. "The first involves spotting signs of digging which tell you where the mines have been buried and walking through the field very slowly and carefully."

"But the pumpkins aren't buried in the ground," said Pinkie Pie, looking out the window to make sure they hadn't buried themselves at some point during the conversation.

"Yeah, in this case, we can probably skip that part."

"But we don't have time to go slowly and carefully!" groaned Dash. "By the time we get past the pumpkins, that thing will already be gone!"

"Well, there is another way…" the Soldier said.

"Alright, don't just stand there! Tell us!" said Twilight. The Soldier hesitated a moment.

"Do you want the technical explanation, or the short one?" he asked.

"The short one," blurted Dash before anyone else could say anything.

"Okay. In that case, we blow shit up. We set off all the pumpkins between us and the Everfree Forest, then charge through the path we've cleared."

"Alright! Why didn't you say so?" Dash pumped her hooves in the air excitedly as she prepared to swoop out the door again.

"Wait!" said Fluttershy, zipping over to the Soldier's position at the door. "The pumpkins are too close together! If you set one off, you'll set them all off! What about the animals that live in the field? They'll be hurt in the explosion, or worse!" The Soldier groaned loudly and slammed his face into his hoof.

"Oh, for God's sake, you ARE one of those 'lives in harmony with nature' types, aren't you?"

"…Wh-what?" Fluttershy murmured, turning around slowly.

"Listen, lady," the Soldier said, glaring menacingly and advancing slowly towards Fluttershy as she backed away just as slowly, "those animals are what we like to call 'collateral damage'. Sure, some of them will be hurt. Some of them may be killed. In fact, most of them will probably be killed. But where I come from, that's considered a loss worth taking. At the end of the day, it comes down to letting a few birds and squirrels die or letting that creature get away. And you know what?" The Soldier pushed himself forward, releasing the full force of his voice into Fluttershy's face, just like the drill sergeant he sometimes imitated.

"I WILL NOT LET YOUR FRIEND-TO-ALL-LIVING-THINGS BULLSHIT AID IN THIS SONOFABITCH'S ESCAPE! _DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, HIPPIE?_" A shocked silence fell over the room. The Soldier panted heavily, glaring at Fluttershy, and Fluttershy stared back at him, face blank with terror. Suddenly, Fluttershy turned around and ran up the nearby flight of stairs, sobbing quietly. All eyes were on her as she disappeared onto the second story. After a few moments of shocked silence, the stunned ponies slowly turned to face the Soldier. Twilight finally broke the silence, her voice dripping with rage.

"…What…have…you…done?"


	11. Chain Reaction

Fluttershy was curled into a ball on her bed upstairs. Red Salvo had scared greatly, and this combined with the prospect of having the animals that lived in the field killed had reduced her to a gibbering wreck.

"Fluttershy?" A voice from somewhere behind her suddenly caught her attention. She lifted her head to see Salvo standing at the entrance to her room. She said nothing, but let out a scared whimper.

"Fluttershy, I'm sorry," Salvo said.

"…What?" was all Fluttershy could bring herself to say.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have suggested we kill those animals, I shouldn't have yelled at you, and I especially shouldn't have called you a hippie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." At the very least, this bizarre visit had made Fluttershy stop crying. She was too confused for that. Was this really the same pony she'd been yelled at by a few minutes ago? What had happened to the powerful, warlike Salvo?

"I lost control of my emotions," Salvo continued, as if to answer her unspoken question. "It happens to me. I don't know why, but…whenever I see something or hear something that reminds me of the war…World War II, I mean…I just…just get angry. I'm…not myself when I'm angry." Still, Fluttershy could find nothing to say.

"…I'm calm now," Salvo said, sighing deeply. "And yes, Fluttershy, you were right. We can't kill all of those innocent animals just to save time. We need to find another way through the minefield."

"…Couldn't I just fly outside and tell the animals to get to safety?" Fluttershy murmured.

"…Um…what?" Salvo responded.

"Did anyone explain to you what my talent is?"

"No, I must've missed that."

"I can talk to the animals. They listen to me." Salvo tilted his head to the side. He suddenly understood the meaning of Fluttershy's butterfly cutie mark.

"I'm not going to say it again," Salvo thought to himself, "but wow…this woman is Super Hippie."

"…So, you're saying that if you went out there and told the animals to leave because there was going to be a huge explosion, they would leave?"

"Yes."

"…Well, that solves our problem! Get out there and get those animals to safety!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Fluttershy leapt off the bed and flew out the nearby window.

* * *

><p>"Well? Did you apologize?" demanded Rainbow Dash, who was hovering a few feet off the ground, as always.<p>

"Yes, I apologized," the Soldier said as he reentered the foyer. "And may I say, Twilight, it's a good thing you thought to restrain me. I might have _really_ lost it otherwise."

"Good. Now, what did we learn today?" asked Spike, crossing his arms indignantly.

"Never make Fluttershy cry?"

"Exactly."

"Okay, lesson learned."

"Now, back to business," said Rarity. "How _are_ we going to get past that minefield?"

"Actually, Fluttershy's working on that. She's flying around out there telling the animals that live in the field to evac."

"Evac? What's that mean?" Pinkie asked.

"Evac-uate," the Soldier said. "It's military talk for 'run away'. She's telling the animals to leave so we can detonate the pumpkins safely. Which means Operation Shock and Awe is officially a go."

"All right! This is gonna be so cool!" Rainbow Dash cheered.

"Hey…I didn't know you were into explosions, Dash," the Soldier said.

"Who isn't into explosions? Explosions are awesome!"

"I _knew_ I liked you!"

"Uh…explosions are also very dangerous," said Twilight. "We need some way to set the pumpkins off from a distance."

"Hey! I've got an idea!" chirped Pinkie. "How about we use the grenade?"

"I'm sorry?" the Soldier responded, a little surprised. Out of all the things he had expected Pinkie to say, "grenade" was not one of them.

"The grenade! You remember! That bomb you're wearing on your chest! If we blow up some of the pumpkins, the rest of them will go off, right?"

"…Nice idea," Salvo said. "Unfortunately, they only issue me one live grenade, and they only let me use it in emergencies. The other one's a replica."

"Aw…" Dash groaned.

"I'm always up for an explosion, though. If you've got your hearts set on that, I could always use my rocket launcher."

"OH! Why didn't I think of that?" Pinkie said, giggling to herself.

"Um…his what?" Twilight asked.

"Maybe it'd be faster if I just showed you." The Soldier reared onto his hind legs. Now that his hands were free, he reached into his inventory and pulled out his trusty Mann Co. Rocket Launcher…then fell flat onto his face again.

"Goddammit!" the Soldier cried out as his audience laughed profusely.

"Havin' a little trouble there, Salvo?" chuckled Applejack.

"Okay…so my presentation is a bit off," the Soldier grumbled. He got to his hooves as he spoke, leaving the rocket launcher on the ground where he'd dropped it. "But trust me; this baby will detonate that minefield like nobo—er, nopony's business."

"Well, sure, if you can use it," Dash said, wiping a few stray tears of laughter from her eyes.

"That's a good point, actually. This thing was designed by humans, for humans. I need both hands to be free so I can use it, which means I need to be standing on my hind legs. But now I'm a horse. This thing wasn't designed for horses. So unless I figure out how to walk on my hind legs…" The Soldier paused meaningfully here.

"Why doesn't Twilight change you back?" suggested Rarity.

"Thank you. I was hoping someone would pick up on that," said the Soldier.

"I don't know…it's kind of a complicated spell…" Twilight said nervously. "How about we try this instead?" Twilight's horn began glowing, as it did. The Soldier was suddenly surrounded by a deep purple aura. His spine suddenly straightened, jerking him upright. The Soldier cried out in surprise as he reassumed bipedalism.

"…Well, I wasn't expecting that," he said.

"Oh, I get it," Applejack said, placing a thoughtful hoof to her chin. "You're holdin' him upright usin' yer telekinesis, like ya did with Fluttershy that one time."

"Twilight! I thought we agreed never to tell anypony about that!" Rarity shouted, jabbing an accusatory hoof at Twilight.

"OKAY, let's just move on before we have another minefield to defuse in here," Salvo said quickly.

* * *

><p>"I know. It gets hard to bear sometimes, doesn't it?"<p>

"_Heads…heads…heads…"_

"Well, there aren't any humans here. New reality, new rules. I'm afraid you'll have to make do with the horses."

"_Headsheadsheads…"_

"Don't fret, my friend. They must leave at some point, and when they do, either the pumpkins will kill them or we will."

"_Head…head…!"_

"I know you do. I want to go home, too. But something else went through that rift with us. It won't let us back through until we find the other traveler."

"_Heads heads heads?"_

"…What? …Oh, dear, I hadn't even considered that…"

"_Head, heads heads heads…"_

"Oh, well, that would be…an option…"

"_Heads heads heads, heads heads…"_

"And how, exactly, do you know this?"

"_Head…head head…Heads heads heads…heaaaaaad…headsheadsheads…"_

"What the bloody hell is a vortigaunt?"

"_Heads heads he—"_

"Never mind. Remind me later. For now, we need to satisfy your hunger."

"_Head head head…heaaaaaads…"_

"Oh, of course I won't…should it come to that."

"_Heads…heads…heads…!"_

"I shall only kill him if he absolutely refuses to go back. That's what I mean."

"_Heads heads heads? Heads…"_

"Oh, of course. How inconsiderate of me. Of course, our current targets will all die excruciatingly painful deaths."

"_Heads heads heads…"_

"…What in the world do cupcakes have to do with this? I swear, you say the most random things sometimes."


	12. Shit Blows Up

The Soldier stared out the window of Fluttershy's bedroom. Supported by Twilight's telekinesis, he was finally standing on his hind legs. The rocket launcher felt as natural in his hooves as it did in his human hands. He didn't think to question this. Instead, he observed the battlefield (as it were) spread out before him. Far off in the distance, on the edge of the Everfree Forest, he saw a set of eerie lights. The creature…spirit…whatever it was…was still standing exactly where it was when the Soldier first spotted it. Was it waiting for them to come out? Was it waiting for them to starve? Was it simply mocking them?

The Soldier took a deep breath.

And fired.

* * *

><p>The ever-familiar recoil sent a jolt through the Soldier's body. The magnificent "phwoom" of the launcher being fired sounded off throughout the room. A faint crackling, sparking noise could be heard overlapping with the familiar explosion.<p>

He'd gotten a lucky crit. Good for him.

The familiar sound of a rocket being propelled towards its destination rang out over the field, with the electric sizzling of critical energy overlapping and mingling with the noise. The critical rocket glowed brilliantly, glowing red as it shot down towards the ground.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

Boom.

* * *

><p>The crocket exploded beautifully, easily taking out ten pumpkins within its blast radius. The pumpkins shattered into thousands of pieces, spraying pumpkin seeds, pulp, and chunks of the pumpkin's thick shells in all directions.<p>

As the Soldier had predicted, the pumpkins acted like frag grenades. The chunks of shell slammed with lethal force into other nearby pumpkins. Their shells were quickly pierced detonating the sticks of dynamite each pumpkin was tied to. The explosion of the dynamite demolished the pumpkins, sending their own fragments of shell flying everywhere. Pumpkins exploded outwards from the point of impact, forming a massive tidal wave of light, sound, smoke, and pumpkin innards.

For what seemed like ages afterwards, all anypony could hear was the sound of dynamite exploding. Finally, the noise died down, giving way to a few glorious seconds of silence.

"Wait for it…" the Soldier murmured, grinning in anticipation. Silence, then… The unmistakable _splat_ of tons upon tons of pumpkin pulp hitting the ground at near terminal velocity sounded off throughout the field. The Soldier took a deep, deep breath.

"If I live to be a thousand years old," he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek, "I will never see a more beautiful sight than that."

* * *

><p>"Oh…dog bollocks. I wasn't expecting that."<p>

"_Heads heads heads!"_

"Calm yourself, my friend. I have a Plan B."

"_Headheadheadheadhead?"_

"Relax. I know what I'm doing."

* * *

><p>"Oh, stop whining! You're an axe!"<p>

"_Heads heads heads!"_

"We need to chop down a tree to block the path so we can slow these ponies down!"

"_Headsheadsheadsheadsheads!"_

"I need a lot of time to set up my trap! We have to slow them down somehow! Now…how did that infuriatingly quick fellow put it? Ah, yes…Suck it up, you freaking wuss!"

_Chop._

_Chop._

_Chop._

* * *

><p>"You have got to be kidding me. You cut down a tree half an hour ago, and now you won't cut two bloody ropes?"<p>

"_Heads heads heads…"_

"You should consider yourself lucky we made it across that bridge alive!"

"_Head head head head."_

"You know what I mean!"

"_Head…headsheadsheads…"_

"You'll get your precious heads. I just need more time than I've been given. And chopping down the rope bridge across this chasm is the only way to do it. Without the bridge, the ponies chasing us will be forced to go around. It'll buy us at least an hour. Now will you _please_ stop being a baby and sharpen yourself again?"

"_Head, headsheadsheads…"_

"…Fine. I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I _do _know how to perform an exorcism."

"_Headsheadsheads?"_

"Watch me."

_Shing._

"_Thank you!_ Honestly…"

* * *

><p>"I think we've lost them…"<p>

"_Heads heads?"_

"That's not what I meant. I mean we'll have enough time now."

"_Headheadheadheadhead!"_

"Yes, I know. Now…in order for this to work…I need Haunted Metal."

"Head?"

"I knew you were going to say that."

"_Headsheadsheadsheadsheads! HEADS!"_

"I know, I know. It'll be hard for you, since you haven't fed in so long. But I don't need the full six. Just give me one ingot, and we should be okay."

"…_Heads…headsheadsheadsheads?"_

"Trust me—it'll work."

"…_Heads…"_

"I will not tolerate any more of your whining today!"

"_Headsheadsheads…"_

"That's it…that's it…You're doing great, don't worry…"


	13. Haunted Axe Droppings

The Soldier and his procession of ponies had been following the tracks of the monster they were tracking for around two hours now. Aside from a tree having fallen onto the path and a rope bridge having mysteriously fallen, the journey had been uneventful. Subsequently, the team had amused themselves by telling stories.

"Wait…wait, it gets better!" Rarity said, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "Once everyone finally showed up to rescue me, the Diamond Dogs _demanded_ they take me back…_and they offered the gems as payment!_" The Soldier could barely walk straight, he was laughing so hard.

"All of them?" he choked out in between wheezes of laughter.

"Every last one!"

"Oh, my God…" the Soldier said, guffawing heartily. "Either those dogs are the worst kidnappers ever, or you're the worst hostage ever! …Oh, I mean that as a compliment!"

"Yes, I got that," Rarity confirmed, finally slowing her laughter. The Soldier let out a huge sigh of content.

"Ah…You girls tell the funniest stories," he finally said, clearing his throat.

"Thanks, Salvo," Rarity said, smiling pleasantly.

"Hey, what's this?" Rainbow Dash suddenly said, landing on the ground ahead of the group and leaning in. The Soldier quickened his pace to get a closer look at whatever Dash had found.

"What've you got there, missy?" he said, trotting up beside her.

"I'm not sure…" Dash said. The Soldier bent down, trying to get a closer look at the object. It appeared to be a bar of some kind of purple metal. Soon enough, the entire herd had gathered around to look.

"What is that?" Spike asked nervously from his perch atop Twilight's back.

"I think it's Haunted Metal," the Soldier said, nudging the bar gently with his nose.

"Haunted metal? That's just silly!" Pinkie chirped cheerfully, giggling softly to herself.

"Maybe," the Soldier said dismissively. "But it means we're getting close. The creature we're looking for wields an axe made out of this stuff. The metal's haunted, so a spirit resides within the blade. And the spirit needs to feed by…well, by killing things. Once it's well-fed, it'll excrete this stuff."

"So we're basically lookin' at haunted axe droppin's here?" Applejack said, leaning back a bit.

"Basically, yeah," the Soldier said. Everyone leaned back this time.

"Ewww!" Twilight cried out.

"It's disgusting, I know. But it means he's definitely been this way."

"Wait…" Fluttershy said, looking around the clearing. "Where did the tracks go?" There was a brief silence as the herd looked around the clearing they'd found themselves in, trying to find the footprints of the creature they'd been following.

"Where'd they go?" Rarity said. "They just stop here!"

"The creature can't teleport, can it?" Twilight asked, nervously.

"No…it can't," the Soldier said, just as nervous. "If this is where the tracks end, then…it must…still…be here…" Suddenly, the truth of the situation dawned on the Soldier.

"Oh…shit," he murmured. A split second later, before anyone had time to react, the area around them was suddenly engulfed in purple flame. The seven ponies (and Spike) were flung backwards by some unseen force. The sound of eerie organ music, accompanied by a low, sinister cackling, filled the air. The Soldier's head slammed against a tree, and he fell to the ground, dazed.

"Oh, shit!" he thought to himself, scrambling to his hooves. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! We've got to get out of here!" Suddenly, he realized that nothing was happening. He didn't hear any heavy footsteps, cries of horror or pain, or the sound of blood spurting from a headless neck. He looked up to where he'd seen the Haunted Metal. He saw something there that he had never expected to see.

As he'd expected, a skeletal giant clad in decaying black cloth stood in the center of the clearing. It clutched a silver axe with a malevolent grinning face carved into its blade in its gloved hands, and a jack-o-lantern with a grinning face carved into it rested on its neck where its head should have been. That was what he'd expected to see, and nothing was unusual about that. What he hadn't expected to see was this: in the middle of rising out of the ground ominously, the creature's heavy leather boot had gotten stuck.

"You've got to be bloody kidding me!" A deep, raspy voice emanated from the pumpkin atop the creature's head. The pumpkin did not alter its facial expression at all as the creature spoke, which made sense, but it was still a little disturbing to see a monster talking without moving its mouth. Surprisingly enough, the creature's voice appeared to possess a Cockney British accent.

"_Heads, heads, heads!"_ a second voice stage-whispered. This voice seemed to have come from the axe, but there was no surprise about that.

"Well, I'm used to rising out of Control Points!" the British monster yelled at its weapon, its mouth still not moving as it spoke. "They have smooth, uniform metal surfaces! Excuse me if I've never risen out of dirt before!"

"_Headheadheadheadhead! Heads heads heads!" _the axe whispered back, exasperation clear in its voice.

"Now that was just uncalled for!" the monster shot back, trying to tug its leg out of the ground. "I've only been a vengeful spirit for a year!"

"_Heads heads! HEAD!"_

"I'm trying, for God's sake!" Finally, the monster freed its boot from the ground. "Ah! Finally!" Relieved, the creature looked around the clearing. The seven ponies and one dragon he'd displaced were scattered around it. They'd been thrown against various trees by his sudden rising, but they had all gotten to their feet now, and were staring at him oddly.

"…Oh, you're all still here?" the monster said, looking around the clearing. "You all decided to not run from the menacing undead monster rising up out of the ground, and instead you all just…stayed there and waited for me to free myself? …Well, that was nice of you."

"_Heads heads heads heads…"_

"Alright, he's got a point there. It was bloody stupid, but it was nice of you. Now, where were we…?"

"SCATTER!" the Soldier bellowed. He took off into the forest, fleeing for his life. The rest of the ponies charged off in different directions, screaming in terror.

"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME!" the monster screamed, charging into the woods after Rainbow Dash. "MY BLADE THIRSTS FOR YOUR BLOOD!"

* * *

><p>The Soldier threw himself behind a nearby tree, hoping the monster wouldn't find him.<p>

"Salvo! What is going on?" demanded a terrified voice from his right. The Soldier whipped his head around to look. Twilight was hiding behind a different tree nearby, and Spike was clinging to her back in terror.

"Keep your voice down! It wants to kill us!" the Soldier stage-whispered back.

"What's going to happen to us?" Spike asked softly, whimpering in fear.

"I think he's going after Dash right now," the Soldier whispered. "Dash is 'it', as we used to say. He won't stop chasing Dash until he's killed her. And that's very bad, I know, but for what it's worth, he won't kill us unless we get between him and Dash."

"We've got to stop him!" Twilight whispered nervously.

"Well, we can't reason with this thing at this point, so that's out," the Soldier said, placing a thoughtful hoof on his chin. "If we want to stop it, we've either got to prove to this thing that we're more powerful than it is or kill it."

"We can't kill it!" Spike said. "What if you can't get back to your reality without it?"

"You're right…" the Soldier muttered to himself. "Then we'll have to prove we're stronger than it is."

"How?" Twilight asked.

"We need to make it scared of us…Scared that we _will_ kill it." The Soldier suddenly felt a light bulb go off in his head.

"I've got an idea…" he said slowly, "but I'm going to need a distraction."


	14. The Stare, Mk II

"Hold…still…you…coward!" the monster cried out, punctuating each word with a swing of its mighty axe.

"You can't catch me!" Dash sang, flying around the creature's head.

"I'm going to slaughter you!" the monster shouted, swinging its axe at the spot where Rainbow Dash had been moments before.

"Not unless you can catch the fastest flier in Equestria, you can't!" Dash shot off back towards the clearing, and the axe-wielding monster charged after her. He broke through the undergrowth into the clearing. Dash wasn't there. The monster whipped his head around, trying to find his target. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain against the small of his back and stumbled forward. An instant later, he could see nothing but rainbow-colored light.

"Try this on for size!" said Dash's voice from all around him. The monster could barely stay on his feet, nearly incapacitated by the whirlwind the pegasus was generating around him. The monster growled menacingly. He swung his arm in a wild right hook, hoping to stop the powerful winds. By sheer luck, his hand connected with the body of the pegasus whirling around him. She cried out in pain and shock as she was knocked out of her lightning-fast orbit around the monster. Her body flew limply through the air and slammed into a nearby tree. Dash groaned in pain, trying to get to her feet, but could not find the energy.

"…That's…that's all you got?" Dash panted.

"NEVER SCREW WITH ME, YOU WINGED BITCH!" the monster shouted, raising its axe above its head. Rainbow Dash squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the killing blow…

"How dare you?" a sudden, infuriated voice screeched from somewhere above her. Dash's eyes shot open, and she looked up in shock. The monster's axe hung limply at its side. Fluttershy was hovering in midair in front of him, an expression of pure rage on her face. Dash had seen this look and heard this voice only once before, and the combination of the two had been enough to shout down a fully-grown dragon. Fluttershy had unleashed the power of The Stare.

"Thank Celestia…" Dash thought weakly.

"Who do you think you are?" Fluttershy shouted. "You think that just because you're bigger and stronger than we are, you can _kill us?_ Just to satisfy the whims of your axe? That's just not right! I don't know what they let you get away with in your reality, mister, but I will not, I repeat, _NOT, LET YOU HURT MY FRIENDS!_" The monster's expression was unchanged, as it had been ever since it had appeared. Rainbow Dash wasn't even sure it could be changed.

"Now," Fluttershy shouted, her face pressed right up against the monstrous pumpkin, "I want you to march straight back over to the portal you came out of and head back to where you came from! And if you hurt a single hair on the head of any living thing in this reality on the way there, I'll have half a mind to find your mother and tell her what you've been up to! You got that?" The monster simply stared at Fluttershy for what seemed like ages. Suddenly, the worst-case scenario suddenly came to be. The monster burst out laughing.

"Did you honestly just try to scare me straight?" he said, cackling evilly. Fluttershy lost her concentration. The Stare vanished from her face, replaced by an expression of shock and terror as she slowly hovered backwards away from the monster.

"Listen, lady," the monster growled, any trace of amusement vanishing in an instant, "first of all, I never even _knew_ my parents. I was pretty much raised by my brother, and he's currently a little busy haunting a battlefield. I think he'd be damn _proud_ of what I'm doing here. Secondly, I'm a vengeful bloody spirit! You can't just scream at me and make me see the error of my ways! I _need_ to kill! And I'll keep killing until I find the peace that will let me move on from this world! And finally, you don't really expect me to be _scared_ of you, do you? You're a bloody yellow-and-pink talking horse!" The monster raised its axe once more.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," he said, "I have an infuriatingly quick pegasus to decapitate." The monster looked down at his feet, preparing to bring his axe down on the horse's neck. Suddenly, he stopped.

"…You're kidding me," he said softly. The pegasus pony had disappeared.

"That was just a bloody distraction?" Fluttershy whimpered in fear and began slowly flying backwards.

"Well, you know what, missy?" The monster reached out with its left hand and grabbed Fluttershy around the midsection. Fluttershy screamed in terror as she was brought slowly closer to the monster's face.

"I think the blue pony can wait," the monster growled menacingly. "You just became it." Suddenly, the monster heard a noise he had heard many times before, but was not expecting to hear here: an explosion, followed by a scream. The monster whirled around, clutching Fluttershy in one hand and his axe in the other. A wingless, hornless red pony was flying towards his face, a metal shovel clenched tightly in its teeth. Its back hooves were on fire, and a trail of smoke followed their progression from the ground to midair. It let out a bloodcurdling scream of rage as it flew through the air towards the monster's face.

"What the—" was all the monster had time to say.

Before he knew what was happening, the pony smacked him across the face with his shovel. He was knocked off-balance by the impact. His grip on both his axe and his captive loosened, and they both slipped from his hands. He whirled his arms around wildly, trying to keep his balance. Suddenly, the red pony delivered a flying kick to the monster's chest as he fell towards the ground. The monster stumbled backwards and lost his balance completely. He fell to the ground, collapsing against the tree he'd hurled Dash into. There was a split second afterwards where nothing happened. Then the flying earth pony landed hard on his chest. Somehow, the wind was knocked out of him (despite the fact that he didn't even need to breathe).

Suddenly, something happened to the pony. White sparks burst off of its hind flanks, and the monster could hear chimes tinkling as an image appeared on each of the pony's hind flanks. It was a picture of three grenades—like the one the pony wore on his chest—arranged in a triangle. The bottom two grenades were red, like the pony's coat, and the top grenade was yellow. The pony looked behind him, trying to see what the chiming noise had come from. He stared at his own flank for a moment.

"Huh," he murmured, in a voice that the monster could barely hear. "We were so worried about that earlier…" Suddenly, the pony seemed to snap himself back into reality.

"Get his axe!" the pony suddenly shouted, looking back at something behind him. There was a faint humming noise. The monster looked down to see his axe, surrounded by a dark purple aura, being dragged away from where it had landed…away from him.

"No! Headtaker!" gasped the monster, reaching out to stop the axe before it was out of his grasp. But it was too late. The axe slipped through his fingers.

"_HEAAAAAADS!"_ the axe practically screamed as it was dragged away.

"Alright, you little undead menace," the pony standing on the monster's chest growled, tossing its shovel aside as it spoke, "we gave Little Miss Hippie her chance. Now it's MY turn to teach you a lesson."

"Now, I understand you're a vengeful spirit and all," the pony began, trotting up the monster's chest to stare it square in the eyes. "Axe has gotta eat something, and you've gotta exact your revenge on the world. I get it. But there are times when it's okay to fight and times when it's not. Let's say, for example, that your nephew buried you on his estate and you want to help protect it, as long as you're there. And then let's say your other nephew then sent a team of mercenaries over to your brother's estate to claim the land by force. And let's also say your first nephew responds by sending his own team of mercenaries in to defend his land and the whole damn thing turns into a war zone. THEN it'd be okay to pop outta the ground and knock some sense into those mercenaries. You know why? _Because they started it._ They wronged you, and you are responding the only way you know how.

"But these ponies have never done a goddamn thing to you! They're not mercenaries! They didn't wrong you in life! They're innocent, dammit!" The pony suddenly began to scream violently, his face inches away from the monster's.

"AND THE SLAUGHTER OF INNOCENTS—INNOCENT YOUNG GIRLS ESPECIALLY—IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I WILL ALLOW ON MY BELOVED BATTLEFIELD! _DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?_" The monster said nothing, staring blankly back at the pony bellowing in his face.

"…How the hell did you know about my nephews?" he murmured.

"What?" the pony snapped back, still sounding angry.

"My nephews!" the monster said, starting to sound bewildered. "The whole situation with the mercenaries…that exact scenario happened to me! It's the reason I became a vengeful spirit in the first place! How the bloody hell did you know that?" The pony glared at the monster, and the monster glared back at him with its unchanging face. The two of them stared at each other for a long, long time. Suddenly, the pony sighed deeply. When he spoke again, his voice had banished all traces of anger and actually sounded…sympathetic?

"Because I was there," he said simply. For a split second afterwards, the monster could only feel confusion. But once that split second had passed, the proverbial light bulb went on (and, in fact, the candle inside the monster's head seemed to burn just a fraction brighter).

"Oh, my God!" the monster cried out in shock. "You're…you're one of them! You're one of the mercenaries working for Redmond!" Suddenly, expectations were shattered once again as the monster began to laugh heartily.

"Why didn't you just say that? I've been looking everywhere for you!"


	15. Inventor of the Key

It had taken a while to round all of the panicked ponies back up and get them back into the clearing, but now they were all there. The Soldier had convinced them that the monster no longer meant them any harm, despite the fact that he'd been given his axe back, and he deserved a chance to explain himself. With the eight of them gathered around the monster in a semicircle, the monster cleared its throat and began.

"My name is Silas Mann," he said, leaning casually against the tree he'd been knocked into a few minutes ago. "My brother, Zepheniah, and I came to America in the early days of colonization. Zepheniah and I were both skilled businessmen, and we wondered if we could make decent livings in America. Zepheniah's sons, Redmond and Blutarch, had already gone to America. They wrote back telling tales of gravel as far as the eye could see. We instantly knew that we would strike it rich in America."

"Striking it rich…on gravel?" Rarity interjected, cocking her head to the side.

"It's a long story," Silas replied. "Anyway, on the journey over there, my brother was tortured by bad luck. He contracted hundreds of diseases on the journey to America. He very nearly died. But we finally did make it to America. He'd invested his entire fortune…our family's entire fortune, rather, on the journey. He'd bought huge amounts of land, hoping to strike it rich on the bountiful gravel. But when he finally arrived, it turned out that the tales of gravel had been…exaggerated. There was nothing but sand as far as the eye could see…fool's gravel.

"Undaunted, my father went on to found Mann Co., a munitions company. Mann Co. did surprisingly well, considering. But bad luck continued to plague Zepheniah, and he eventually died of illnesses contracted during his voyage. In his last will and testament, he made some good decisions. For example, he left Mann Co. in my hands and those of his aide and tracker, Barnabas Hale. But he also made a very, very bad decision. I remember the reading of the will like it was yesterday…" Silas looked up and sighed deeply.

"_To my layabout, brain-defective sons, Blutarch and Redmond,_" he recited, "_I leave the greatest curse of all—partnership. What land I have purchased in this new world is to be split evenly between you both. You have wasted your lives bickering over nothing, and so I leave you dimwits something of consequence over which to feud._"

"That was the worst decision he could have ever made. Blutarch and Redmond immediately began to fight over the land. And I don't mean a lawsuit or anything civil like that, either. They waged outright war over it, each hiring a team of mercenaries to seize the other's land by force. What should have been a ten-minute land grab for one of them turned into an intractable stalemate for both of them. But—and this is the brilliant part—they supplied their teams with Mann Co. weaponry. The sheer amount of capital spent on the war quickly hurled Mann Co. to the rank of one of the world's most profitable companies.

"You would think that I would have been thrilled that my company was doing so well. But the only reason we were doing so well was because my nephews were waging eternal war. I lost quite a bit of sleep over it. However, in those sleepless nights, I had a couple of brilliant ideas.

"Mann Co. shipped its products in sturdy wooden crates. They were so strong that hardly anyone could open them, which meant the Mann Co. shipments could not be stolen. But the security was too great. Customers were rarely able to smash the crates open without damaging the products inside. So I came up with the idea of Mann Co. Supply Crate Keys. They could be used to open the locks that protected the crates from theft. But in order to protect our products from theft, Keys and Crates would be sold separately. That way, the crates could not be opened by anyone other than their intended recipients. If thieves bought keys in an attempt to open stolen Mann Co. crates, it would simply be a matter of finding out who they were and bringing them to justice.

"I thought it was a brilliant idea, but I was laughed at. People thought I was crazy. The general consensus was that having keys and crates sold separately would be cheating Mann Co.'s paying customers. I was laughed out of my position at Mann Co., and I died a pauper without even the money to pay for my own funeral. But I knew I was right. I knew that keys would revolutionize the way Mann Co. was run. And until someone—anyone—recognized my brilliance, I could not pass on to the afterlife.

"I was grateful to my nephew, Redmond, for burying me, but I didn't want to hear any more about his war. I wandered Redmond's grounds for some time, not harming anyone. Then one fateful day, while I was lying in my crypt, I heard the sounds of a battle. The war had come to Redmond's estate.

"It was only then that I realized that the war was responsible for what had happened to me in life. Everyone in Mann's Land had no money to spare. The war made them poor. They had to spend any extra money they may have had repairing their property and buying Mann Co. weaponry with which to defend themselves, should it come to that. It was at that moment that I realized how much I bloody hated mercenaries. That was the moment I became a vengeful spirit.

"In no time at all, I'd whipped up a physical manifestation and forged a haunted blade out of the metals that Barnabas had buried with me. I burst out of my crypt, ready to exact revenge upon the purveyors of the war that had distracted the world from my brilliance.

"And I kept on doing that for about a year or so. Then one day, I was captured—I've no idea how—by a group of scientists. When I woke up, I was at the bottom of a huge pit. Before I knew what was happening, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the Everfree Forest. I had no idea what was going on, but luckily, my axe was there. He knew what was going on…somehow, and he explained to me that something had come through the rift with us. We both wanted to go home, but we couldn't. The rift would only let us back through if the other creature that went through the rift came back with us. We spent the next day or so looking for the creature. Then my axe got hungry. I knew I had to satisfy its hunger. It thirsted for blood. So I left the forest, looking for something I could satisfy it with. As luck would have it, I just happened to stumble across a small town inhabited by talking horses…and the rest is history."

* * *

><p>"So, Silas? Feeling any better now?" the Soldier asked.<p>

"Much better. It feels good to explain all this," Silas responded. He looked as though a large weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"Heh…you know what the best part about all this is?" the Soldier said. "You were a vengeful spirit all that time, so you would have had no way of knowing this…but Mann Co. has recognized your genius." Silas reared back in shock.

"They have?" he blurted out.

"Affirmative. Mann Co. Supply Crate Keys are being sold in massive quantities across the world today. It's a part of a system that has been dubbed the 'Mann-Conomy'."

"…That's even the name I came up with for the system…" Silas said. He suddenly began to laugh.

"This means…I can pass on! They recognized my brilliance, and I can pass on to the next life!" Silas's joyous laughter rang out across the clearing. "Soldier, you've released me! I…I…How in the world can I possibly thank you?" The Soldier smiled.

"You can wait," he said. "Don't pass on yet. I can't go back home without you."

"Oh, right! How…how silly of me," Silas said, massaging the back of where his neck would have been, if he had had one, in an embarrassed fashion.

"Where's the portal, Silas?" the Soldier asked.

"I'll take you there, don't worry. But…you should say your goodbyes first." The Soldier's smile vanished. It was only then that the implications of leaving really sunk in. If he went back home, he'd have to abandon his newfound friends.

"So…this is goodbye, then?" he said.

"It sure looks like it," Applejack responded.

"…I'm not the best at giving speeches…or farewells…" the Soldier said mournfully as he walked to the center of the semicircle, "so let's get this over with." He trotted slowly up to one end of the semicircle, addressing each of his equine friends in turn.

* * *

><p>"Applejack, Rarity. I honestly cannot wrap my head around how you two get along so well. You're two of the most stubborn ponies I've ever met, and your personalities are farther apart than I ever thought possible…though, now that I think about it, you remind me of a couple of people I know. And yet, you're the best of friends. I just can't figure it out." Applejack and Rarity exchanged a knowing look. As one, their minds flashed back to Twilight's first—and last—slumber party.<p>

"But you know what?" the Soldier continued. "It got me to thinking…if two people who are so radically different can put aside their differences and become friends, then maybe we can do the same back home. I was starting to doubt it after fifteen years of employment, but after seeing your friendship, I'm starting to think…hell, starting to hope…that maybe someday there could be peace in Mann's Land."

"Rainbow Dash, it's always nice to talk to someone who's into explosions as much as I am…and sober. Beyond that, though, you're a brave little sucker. You may not realize it, but you very nearly died today. If Fluttershy hadn't shown up when she did and distracted Silas, you would not be wearing a head right now. You looked Death right in the eye and said, 'Screw you. Catch me if you can, you son of a bitch.' Never lose sight of that." Rainbow Dash gave the Soldier a cocky smile. She jumped into the air, beating her wings to keep herself aloft. Without saying a word, she gave the Soldier a crisp salute. The Soldier chuckled softly, then moved on down the line.

"Fluttershy, again, I'm sorry for what I did to you. You didn't deserve it. Your kind nature is a refreshing change from what I'm used to, and I'm really going to miss it when I go back to work. I learned a valuable lesson back in that cottage of yours. The slaughter of innocents is never worth the benefits. I knew that all along, I think, but on the battlefield, I sometimes forgot it. I was just fighting because I _could_ fight, without caring about the collateral. You've shown me the error of my ways." Fluttershy gave a faint smile. She was good at getting fierce creatures to see the error of their ways. Salvo was no dragon, sure, but now he was just another name on the list.

"Twilight, I've always said that no team can exist without a strong bond of trust. Take me, for example. If I can't count on the support of my teammates out on the battlefield, I have nothing. And it's clear to everypony that your friends trust you, and you trust them. You should count yourself very lucky for that. I've seen too many friendships die due to a lack of trust."

"Spike, don't think I forgot about you. You've got a lot of good traits to you, but I think the best is your loyalty. I mean, you're a baby dragon. Sure, you're a dragon, but you're a _baby, _for God's sake. You could've just asked to not come with us into the Everfree Forest, and we would've obliged. But you didn't. You stuck with us to the very end, even in the face of mortal danger. You might have just given Rainbow Dash a run for her money." Spike smiled broadly.

"Aw…you're embarrassing me…" he said. It was obvious to everypony involved that he wasn't. The Soldier chuckled again, then moved on to the last pony in the line.

"And Pinkie Pie…" The Soldier sighed deeply. "Pinkie, I think it's safe to say that we've both learned a lot from each other over the past two days. And thanks to you, I've learned something very important about myself. Before I came to Equestria, I didn't realize how important it is to be happy. But after I met you, it all became clear to me. I understand now. If I don't enjoy life, then really, what's the point?" Pinkie sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes with a handkerchief she seemingly pulled out of nowhere. The Soldier smiled. Typical Pinkie Pie.

"Girls, these three days I've spent in Equestria have changed my life. I may never look at things the same way again. I've come to a few shocking conclusions about myself. And I couldn't have done any of it without you. I…can't thank you enough." The Soldier looked down at the ground. "Odds are we'll never see each other again…but I want you to know that these three days have been the best three days of my life." The Soldier paused here and, after a brief moment, began sniffling. Tears began to roll down his face from somewhere beneath his helmet.

"I'm gonna miss you, everypony." Before the Soldier knew what was happening, he had suddenly become ensnared in a group hug.

"We'll miss you too, Soldier!" Pinkie said. She caught the Soldier's eye and gave him a happy, albeit wet, smile.

"_Heads, heads, heads…"_ whispered Silas's axe.

"Shut it, you," Silas whispered back. "Can't you see he's having a moment?" Oblivious to the insensitive nature of Silas's axe, the Soldier disentangled himself from the pile of ponies and trotted over to Silas.

"Okay, Silas. I'm ready to head back now," he said.

"Er…aren't you forgetting something?" Silas replied.

"What? What do you—oh! Right! I almost forgot." The Soldier turned back around. "Twilight, I need you to turn me back into a human before I go."

"Oh, right!" Twilight said, a bit embarrassed that she'd forgotten. Without saying another word, she closed her eyes. Her horn began glowing gently, filling the air with a light whirring noise. As it grew steadily brighter, beams of light began to snake around the Soldier's body…

* * *

><p>Dear Princess Celestia,<p>

I am thrilled to report that the creatures from another reality have been successfully returned to their native realm, and the portal appears to have closed behind them. I'm equally thrilled to report that they were both misunderstood. This is not to say that they weren't both incredibly dangerous creatures. However, they both appeared to have opened their hearts to the magic of friendship. They both return to their native realities changed beings. These creatures have both learned a valuable lesson: If you somepony's done nothing bad to you, you shouldn't do anything bad to them. And I have learned a lesson of my own from this ordeal. I've sent a lesson very similar to this one in a previous report, but first impressions are often wrong. Just because somepony may seem scary doesn't mean they actually are. A full report on the incident will be arriving as soon as it is transcribed. I can assure you, it's a story worth waiting for.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle


End file.
